What doesnt kill you makes you stronger

I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great career, coach a great soccer team, have a loving family, have wonderful friends, the best cats. I have a great life. And right now....I believe this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through....and that is saying a lot! I am going to take a break from posting on this blog for a few weeks. I cannot find the words to explain how I am feeling and to fully explain this experience. I am so fortunate that we are in the position to adopt...and we have wonderful support systems. These past few weeks have been quiet stressful related to the adoption. It is only going to get more stressful before it gets any easier. There are several red flags with our current match. Nothing has really changed but now that the due date is getting closer decisions need to be made. There is a chance that this match will fall through...but more than likely not until the birth or after placement. Yes....I said after placement. Since that is a possibility we have decided not to announce the birth on the blog right away. We may go into hiding after the birth and not allow anyone to come visit or meet the baby until 30 days after the birth when the parental rights are terminated. I know this may be dissappointing to some of you...but we feel this will be easier. We do have the choice of using a foster family to take the baby before he comes home with us to allow time to pass for the termination of birthparent rights. After discussion we have opted for a direct placement from the hospital. God is the one in control...and I have to trust He knows the best thing for this baby. If that means we get the baby for 3 weeks and he goes back to the birth parents then so be it. I will be very sad...but at the same time I want to protect my loved ones as much as I can. The less people who intially meet the baby the less confusion for the baby, and I truly believe the sting will be less on our loved ones. Please pray for the expectant parents, the little guy and us. I am letting go of any decision and letting God in control. I know we will be parents to whomever He wants.

Impostor

Every time I go to Bab.ies R Us I feel like an impostor. Each time I check out the cashier asks if my purchase is off a registry ... and when I say no...they proceed to ask if I need a gift receipt. It's makes me feel awkward...like I couldn't possibly be buying the items for my child. Sometimes I want to gleefully shout..."I'm adopting and the expectant mother is 8 months pregnant".... sometimes I just want to run from the store. In truth....I'm sure I'm being sensitive....but sometimes I wish someone looked at me and knew I was "expecting" without me having to explain the whole situation.

I am anxiously counting the days till L's due date. Our to-do list is getting shorter each day as we work diligently on our tasks. We are working on setting a date to complete our cooperative agreement with L. I am still amazed everything is on track....and I am so thankful.

I am having a hard time comprehending what the little guys birthday will be like. I am anxious....afraid....hopeful....saddened...and overjoyed....all at the same time. On one hand I am overjoyed that L has the strength and courage to make our dreams come true. At the same time I am sad for her. I cant imagine the pain it will cause her to let go of her little boy. I am currently in the process of writing her a letter to explain how I thankful I am. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to sit down and write. How do you thank someone for letting you raise their baby....for helping you build your family....for giving you your son? This process has been long....some parts have been easier than others...but it is truly an amazing journey.

8 weeks and counting

8 weeks....56 days...1344 hours. That is the time until L's due. Now we all know that one's due date is really whenever the little one decides to arrive. When we first heard from L she was only 5 weeks along...and we had 35 weeks or 245 days to wait. Can you believe we have waited 189 days to see if this is going to work out! Thinking back there have been days when I didn't think about the adoption....there have been days when I was sure it wasn't going to work out....but most days I have had reserved hope. I can now tell you that my reserve is almost empty...though the vacations did help fill my tank a little.

We are trying to prepare the house and our life for the arrival of a little one. We have been buying things since we started the process but recently have gotten a lot more baby items....many loved ones have helped out and provided lots of goodies for the little one. We are planning to set-up the nursery mid-Sept...about a month before L's due date. We have scheduled eye, dental, hair, doctor and vet appointments for the next few weeks. We've decided that we do not want to do any of this with a little one. We have started to research day cares...but will go visit them only once the due date gets a little closer. We have signed up to make pre-assembled meals which we will freeze for easy dinners for those oh so tired days. So there it is....we are officially getting ready for the third member of our family to arrive.

Physically we are preparing. Emotionally I have no idea how to prepare. I don't think the waiting will be anything compared to what we will feel at the birth and on decision day. I believe this will bring some of my happiest moments and some of my saddest moments. I remember long ago I questioned whether or not I could endure adoption for one reason....I wasn't sure I could handle seeing the heartbreak of the birth parents. I can't imagine. I am glad L is so strong...but I ask everyone to pray for her, the expectant father and the little guy. Pray for their strength, courage and healing.

Estes Park, CO

I love vacations!

We ended up our two week adventure in Estes Park, CO for Mike's cousins wedding. We had a good time and enjoyed our stay visiting with family and relaxing. We enjoyed a ghost tour at the Stanley hotel ( Steven Kings inspiration for "The Shining"), visited the Rocky Mtn National Park, did a little shopping at the cute "tourism" shops and finished off with a wedding.

Check out a few moments along the way!

We take good wedding photos!

At the top of Rocky Mountain National Park

Near the entrance of RMNP

Downtown Estes Park

The Stanley Hotel

Norfolk / VA Beach

We are home for two days before we leave for Colorado. Here are a few pictures from our trip to visit April, Jason and little Ben, whom live in Norfolk, VA. Missy, Seth and little Liam met us there. Both boys are now 9 months old already! We got a first hand experience what it means to have a little one...and Mike is born to be a dad!

We left him in charge of the boys!

Holding two little ones is not so easy!


Go fly a kite!

Yes - we are drinking beer!

She makes it look so easy!

Can you find me?

Liams favorite pose.

I have the BEST husband!!

I am truly a lucky lucky girl!! My husband surprised me with a new camera for my birthday!! Total surprise for me....and I LOVE it! I now must figure out how to work all the fancy options and lenses. Check it out below: