Birthmother Visit

Yesterday we went to visit with Leahs birthmother. Was I nervous...no. Was I anxious...nope. Was I excited...yes. Did I think there would be awkward moments...no. The trust and friendship that "L" and I have formed since placement is truly incredible. I don't really talk about it much...on some level I don't feel I need to defend my position with open adoption and on another level I feel this relationship is sacred to my immediate family. It is deeply personal and I truly dont want to hear any negative beliefs on open adoption nor am I very tolerant of misunderstandings of this relationship. I don't expect people to truly understand how I am so comfortable with this relationship. Until you are knee deep you can't fully understand. With that being said, I will now delve deeper into these feelings and experiences (you won't hear this information much from me....but someday I wanted Leah to be able to read these words and feel the love).
Yesterday was a gift from God. My memories flash back to us sitting at The Childrens Home in a meeting about openness. I remember thinking...I want to know the birthmom...I want to know the birthfather...I want to have a relationship. Yes...a little extreme and unguarded...but that is who I am. Over the past few months (we have only had Leah 2 months now)....L and I have sent emails.....then we became Fac*book friends....now we text each other....and if we feel we need to talk we call. How did I get want I wanted? Well....I didn't exactly get what I wanted....I don't know Leahs birthfather. But for return of letting go of that hope I became friends with a truly amazing person who made me a mother. When I think about my relationship with L these words come to mind....easy....truthful....devoted....inspiring...love...unjudgemental....trust. In two months...those are the words....truly amazing! Obviously you can tell that all of us were at a point where we wanted to get together and continue on this path. We made arrangements to visit at her parents house. My mom joined us as well as her parents and her daughter. The only worry I had was...should I bring anything! Kinda funny to think about that now...but I had no nerves or anxiety about seeing her or her family. We had never met her daughter...and she was as cute and bubbling as all 2.5 years old are! L's mom held Leah first...I can tell she was ready to scoop her up. Unfortunately Leah is in a little bit of a "momma girls" stage and wasnt too keen on anyone else holdng her. She blessed everyone with a few tears and "joyous" cries that only a mother can appreciate. We spent three hours getting to know each other better....watching Leah play with her birthsister....sharing stories about this journey...and just getting to know one another better. We had some good laughs....we had a few tears....but we never did feel awkward. My favorite story told by L was about placement day. L and her mom had an hour visit with Leah before we arrived at placement. During the visit Leah was restless and squirmy in L's lap. At placement L handed me Leah for me to hold as we shared a few sacred moments. Leah instantly became calm and feel asleep. As L's mom said...."Leah knew that is where she belonged". I'm sure that moment has aided them in their healing. During the visit my mom got to get to know L's parents and truly enjoyed her time with both of them. She got to meet the person who made her daughter into a mother...and for that she is truly grateful. Leah dictated that is was time to leave with some crying.....and out the door we headed. Before we left there were a round of hugs and a few tears shed by many. We all agree that Gods hand has touched us all and made this happen. L and her family have so much love for this little girl and they truly believe that we were always meant to be her parents. We are so grateful that we are blessed to have their trust and blessed to have found a new friendship with all of them.

Reality

Mike started his new job the beginning of this month. Today begins the 4th week we are living apart. The reality is that I hate this. I am sad every Sunday when we must say our goodbyes and tears swell in my eyes when he says goodbye to Leah. I am mostly sad he is missing her. I'm trying not to complain too much because this is everything I wanted...I just hope we won't have to live apart much longer. We have had 7 showings for our house....and one second showing for a young couple. Apparently they were going to the bank to put financial information together.....that was a week ago. I have heard they haven't put in an offer anywhere....so hopefully it will come this week. The realtor received lots of positive feedback from 4 of the 7 showings...I have yet to hear about the other 3 since they were this weekend. I guess first time homebuyers take a little longer to decide....which is frustrating for me! As my mom says, this too shall pass.
Leah is growing like a weed. I did the home method of weighing her ( weigh myself and then weigh myself holding her) and she weighed in at a whopping 15.4 lbs!! I will measure her today......but I'm guessing 24 inches. I think she may have had a growth spurt this past week....she ate more for a few days and then slept long the next few. Her is talking all the time and she is much louder than she used to be. My love grows for her each day....she is such a joy. Here's the little turkey at 3 months!!

3 months

I'm not sure were all the time has gone. Our little angel turned 3 months yesterday. She is changing and growing like so much these days. She learned to bat at things about two weeks ago. Now she is very good at it and is working on grabbing onto her toys. She is trying to bring them to her mouth but usually gets her fingers in her mouth and not the toy yet. She will play for 20-30 mins in her play gym kicking her legs, cooing and batting at her toys. She is constantly sticking her tongue out...I think she realized she can does this and move it around more. She loves to look in the mirror at herself. She also loves to sit up and watch what is going on around the room. Her sleep patterns are getting longer, though she has had some nights where she has woken up every few hours. I'm thinking she is having a growth spurt and that those will soon stop. She has slept up to 12 hours but averages 11 hours most nights. She seems to play hard and sleep hard! She is having a little seperation anxiety at times but that is not her fault. Mike has started his new job so during the week she only gets to see moms smiling face therefore she is a little anxious when she is around everyone else. After a day she gets over it and is fine the rest of the weekend. Hopefully this living apart deal will end quickly...otherwise we will have a mommas girl on our hands. She continues to do well in the car for our long car trips. She now has a toy on her carseat which she loves to play with. It seems to keep her occupied while she is awake in the car. She is wearing mostly 3-6 month clothing. A few 0-3 months pants still fit and she can also wear some 6 month stuff. She gets warm easy so not too much layering for her, especially when traveling...she gets hot in her carseat!

Goodbye 2009

The end of the year has passed in a blur of excitement. 2009 brought many things I did not expect....some good....some I could have done without. When all was said and done I ended up where I never thought I would be....and I am so thankful. I saw a few other blogs where people did 2009 in 3 words and thought I would give it a try.

January - excited about skiing

February - overzealous about match

March - becoming more realistic

April - overcome at ultrasound

May - it's a boy!

June - day to day

July - hope mixed w/doubt

August - fear, hope, stress

September - saddened by loss

October - miserable, sad, questioning

November - excited, stressed, blessed

December - joy, blessed, amazed

There you have it. What a year. Here I sit...looking at my little girl...amazed at what this year has brought me. Here's to 2010 and what they year has to bring us!!