I still am not loving March but do hope that in the last 4 days some redemptive qualities will emerge. But...I'm not banking on it. This week has been crazy like all the previous ones in March. Work has been crazy with an upcoming conference I am hosting at our college. The event is this saturday and I'm so ready for it to be over. I have enjoyed the challenge of organizing it but have decided that the conference and the adoption are a little too much stress. These two things together are leaving my pillow lonely. My fieldwork students are ending their first rotations and unfortunately I had to attend a site Friday to fail one. It was pretty sad but I feel every effort was put out by myself and the fieldwork educator. Once again I was reminded of the phrase, "What will be, will be." Hhmm.....maybe that should be tattooed on my hand so I can be reminded of this everyday.
And of course, the adoption process is going strong and kicking my butt at every turn. I believe the score is now 0 -4, with us losing. Can I tell you sarcastically how much I love PA adoption law? Well, for that matter, the fact that every state has different adoption law. It is nearly impossible to try and understand how each state works and what is and is not allowed. We are trying to wait to hire a lawyer until we know we need one....but I'm thinking we need one just to interpret whether or not we can even be shown for some situations. That was the battle this week.
I know I do seem quite negative. Truthfully I am not. It's just been a difficult month on so many levels. I can still recite lots of good things in life (a great visit from my parents yesterday, Leah and her spunky toddler behavior, no more wallpaper in the nursery, a husband who is getting excited about the next adoption, great friends). We are so blessed even in this time of sadness and frustration. Thank goodness. (Otherwise I would be better friends with my wine bottle)!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Dear March 2011 - You Suck! Love, Megan
Yes, you read it right...March 2011 sucks. Most of you are thinking...well....they must not have been chosen to parent that baby. Yes....we weren't chosen. No one was chosen. The state took custody of the baby. I'm not even going to get into how that makes me feel. But do know that my heart is heavy with sadness for that little baby.
Moving on.....we have had 3 deaths in one day: an unborn child, a old co-worker of Mike's who was 78 and died in a horrible car accident and Mike's uncle who left this world too early with too much sadness. Seriously. So yes, March sucks.
My brother and sister-in-law welcomed a daughter into this world. I am happy for them. Our relationship is struggling and my heart is also very sad for that. I'm not sure where to turn next on that road.
There you have it. Sadness overflowing in this house. We will carry on as this shall too pass. I can tell you though that I gave Leah a few more hugs today (which is crazy because I hug her ALL THE TIME!!).
Moving on.....we have had 3 deaths in one day: an unborn child, a old co-worker of Mike's who was 78 and died in a horrible car accident and Mike's uncle who left this world too early with too much sadness. Seriously. So yes, March sucks.
My brother and sister-in-law welcomed a daughter into this world. I am happy for them. Our relationship is struggling and my heart is also very sad for that. I'm not sure where to turn next on that road.
There you have it. Sadness overflowing in this house. We will carry on as this shall too pass. I can tell you though that I gave Leah a few more hugs today (which is crazy because I hug her ALL THE TIME!!).
Friday, March 18, 2011
Progress and Set Back in One Week
We haven't heard one iota regarding the baby born last week. No decision has been made so we continue to stand in the land of "limbo". After an entire week of waiting I am much more calm and able to go about my day without it occupying my mind quite as much. That being said, I frequently check the status page just in case a decision has been made, as I want to be able to move on if we aren't chosen.
We have gotten a tremendous amount of things accomplished this week, and for that I am grateful this situation has presented itself. We never would have started on the nursery or finished up those other projects so quickly. The wallpaper is in the process of being ripped down, most of the things are out of the old office/new nursery, the playroom ceiling is painted (the windows, baseboards, and ceiling were yucky brown) and all the baseboards have been ripped out of the nursery and playroom. Landscapers are coming today to fix the flower beds (many are sloped towards the house from too mulch) and lay rock. I am sooo excited for that to be done! As you can see, it has been full steam ahead.
The set back was something I didn't see coming and I never will. On Wednesday I was at my small group for a church program we are doing for Lent. One of the other members had recently had a baby and was discussing her difficult pregnancy which included kidney stones. She didn't mention anything else so I was really surprised when she said, " I would adopt before I ever got pregnant again." She had no idea I was an adoptive parent, though she did know I had a 16 month old. At first I wanted to respond by saying, " Well let me know if you are serious, as I am an adoptive parent and could give you lots of info." But I didn't say anything. Later I thought about it a little more and that's when I really began to struggle with what she had said. I am struggling through this adoption process, just as I did the first time. This process frustrates me beyond anything else going on in my life. Emotionally this is hard, it is hard waiting. Physically, I have lost a few pounds this week (and trust me....I would love to lose a few pounds most weeks but it rarely happens). No...my body isn't morphing as it does in pregnancy...and no...pregnancy is very difficult (and most days I am glad I can't have my own children...ask my best friend as she can vouch for this). BUT....please don't make the judgment that adoption is the easier way to become being a parent. She never has walked in my shoes as I have never walked in hers. I did not judge her pregnancy, nor would I compare her kidney stones to my endless frustration with our social worker. I'm not sure why people think this process is easier. Maybe they think there really is stork who fly's over our house and just plops the baby down in the empty crib. No people...it doesn't work like.
We have gotten a tremendous amount of things accomplished this week, and for that I am grateful this situation has presented itself. We never would have started on the nursery or finished up those other projects so quickly. The wallpaper is in the process of being ripped down, most of the things are out of the old office/new nursery, the playroom ceiling is painted (the windows, baseboards, and ceiling were yucky brown) and all the baseboards have been ripped out of the nursery and playroom. Landscapers are coming today to fix the flower beds (many are sloped towards the house from too mulch) and lay rock. I am sooo excited for that to be done! As you can see, it has been full steam ahead.
The set back was something I didn't see coming and I never will. On Wednesday I was at my small group for a church program we are doing for Lent. One of the other members had recently had a baby and was discussing her difficult pregnancy which included kidney stones. She didn't mention anything else so I was really surprised when she said, " I would adopt before I ever got pregnant again." She had no idea I was an adoptive parent, though she did know I had a 16 month old. At first I wanted to respond by saying, " Well let me know if you are serious, as I am an adoptive parent and could give you lots of info." But I didn't say anything. Later I thought about it a little more and that's when I really began to struggle with what she had said. I am struggling through this adoption process, just as I did the first time. This process frustrates me beyond anything else going on in my life. Emotionally this is hard, it is hard waiting. Physically, I have lost a few pounds this week (and trust me....I would love to lose a few pounds most weeks but it rarely happens). No...my body isn't morphing as it does in pregnancy...and no...pregnancy is very difficult (and most days I am glad I can't have my own children...ask my best friend as she can vouch for this). BUT....please don't make the judgment that adoption is the easier way to become being a parent. She never has walked in my shoes as I have never walked in hers. I did not judge her pregnancy, nor would I compare her kidney stones to my endless frustration with our social worker. I'm not sure why people think this process is easier. Maybe they think there really is stork who fly's over our house and just plops the baby down in the empty crib. No people...it doesn't work like.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Finally
After a "longer than we wanted" wait, we finally have our homestudy!! I was so excited but my excitement didn't spill over to Mike. He was happy but didn't see the urgency to get the agency applications in the mail that very second like I did. Unfortunately my excitement quickly turned into frustration BUT it's ok...because we are two different people with different expectations and feelings. He HATES the adoption process. Therefore I get stuck with most of the tedious tasks. He is all for adoption and in support of another child...but trying to motivate him to help is nearly impossible. Fortunately we have a strong marriage and figured out how to handle this better....without me getting frustrated and stressed. So...after all of that, 3 agency applications were sent out in the mail on Thursday and arrived Friday! What a happy day for this family. One step closer to our next family member.
Then....with all of that excitement...I came across a situation for a baby who is already born. One of my secret obsessions is searching the internet for adoption situations. Yes, I admit that I spend way too much time doing that. I'm ok with it. I explained to Mike the situation and yesterday we sent in all of our paperwork. I think we might me completely delusional at this point. Getting a baby now goes against every ounce of "planning" we did. Now, planning in adoption is more of a fairytale wish, but we all like to believe we have a tad bit of control. After we sent in all of the documents I began to panic internally. We have no nursery set -up, I have no idea where all of those newborn supports are for the carseat, I have none of Leah's gender neutral clothing pulled out of those clothes bins let alone washed, I couldn't even begin to tell you where the bottles are stored. REALLY?!? So we came up with a plan and it goes something like this: Turn office/craft room into a nursery. This requires the following: move all craft things to basement and organize this space, Move computer desk to spare bedroom and organize this space, take down wallpaper and refinish walls, paint everything in nursery (new baseboards, doors, window trim, ceiling and walls), get another crib and dresser, fill with baby things...which we either need to buy or find in our storage! Once again, REALLY?!? So...I've decided that if we end up with a baby this week we are in trouble. If this is not our baby, then maybe this was God's way of telling us to get started. Either way, I am ok with it.
Now that we are active I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for us, all of the expectant mothers who are struggling in their decision and for all those little ones who are finding their way home. This is a tough process and we as adoptive parents have the lightest load to carry. Sometimes I forget that...but truly it is the truth. Look for updates....maybe you'll get cute baby pictures or a torn apart room. I know everyone would like cute baby pictures better BUT either way you will get both nursery and baby pictures....someday.
Then....with all of that excitement...I came across a situation for a baby who is already born. One of my secret obsessions is searching the internet for adoption situations. Yes, I admit that I spend way too much time doing that. I'm ok with it. I explained to Mike the situation and yesterday we sent in all of our paperwork. I think we might me completely delusional at this point. Getting a baby now goes against every ounce of "planning" we did. Now, planning in adoption is more of a fairytale wish, but we all like to believe we have a tad bit of control. After we sent in all of the documents I began to panic internally. We have no nursery set -up, I have no idea where all of those newborn supports are for the carseat, I have none of Leah's gender neutral clothing pulled out of those clothes bins let alone washed, I couldn't even begin to tell you where the bottles are stored. REALLY?!? So we came up with a plan and it goes something like this: Turn office/craft room into a nursery. This requires the following: move all craft things to basement and organize this space, Move computer desk to spare bedroom and organize this space, take down wallpaper and refinish walls, paint everything in nursery (new baseboards, doors, window trim, ceiling and walls), get another crib and dresser, fill with baby things...which we either need to buy or find in our storage! Once again, REALLY?!? So...I've decided that if we end up with a baby this week we are in trouble. If this is not our baby, then maybe this was God's way of telling us to get started. Either way, I am ok with it.
Now that we are active I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for us, all of the expectant mothers who are struggling in their decision and for all those little ones who are finding their way home. This is a tough process and we as adoptive parents have the lightest load to carry. Sometimes I forget that...but truly it is the truth. Look for updates....maybe you'll get cute baby pictures or a torn apart room. I know everyone would like cute baby pictures better BUT either way you will get both nursery and baby pictures....someday.
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