Broken

Can I tell you again that 2011 has been so good to me. 2011..you are now almost 2 months old and I want to say keep it up...you are doing great and I am loving it. If you go back and read a few months back I spoke about not doing a "New Year's Resolution" but instead just doing it, whatever the "it" may be. And so far 2011 has let me accomplish so many "its". Love IT!

The one "it" that I didn't expect or see coming can be summed up with the bible passage:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours".

This passage has come up sooo many times in the past few months that I am slightly scared for the truth that lies behind it. I can feel my heart breaking for bigger things and part of me wants to RUN fast and far. I can feel my faith growing...which is good....but I know it is leading to me towards a path that is going to be hard. I know I will face doubt and questioning. But what can you do when your heart is breaking...for something bigger than you...something that makes His heart break. Could I be anymore elusive?! I would love to share more but I don't feel it is the time. I hope that in 2011 YOU read the above passage and ask that your heart breaks for what breaks His.

While me heart breaks, my everyday life is splendid. Leah is growing into an awesome TODDLER! How did that happen? She is saying 20 words including: fish, apple, eat, dog, Hi, Bye, Dada, Mama (occasionally!), Moo, cheese, please, poo poo (hmmm....who taught her to say such a thing!), yucky, Elmo's World, sippy, up, duck. I'm forgetting some right now, but it sure is fun. She learned to smile for the camera and has the cutest cheese face. I was starting to feel like a bad momma when she would run from me all the time but now she runs to me. I'm so glad that stage is over...my momma heart was so sad during that stage. There are so many days when I want to stay home from work and just be with her. BUT she loves to be with other kids...and she loves getting out of the house....and we both LOVE her babysitter. I know her daycare is a good thing for her....she truly is a little singing social butterfly. And yes...she signs ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe we will have a little musician on our hands?! She is using her spoon pretty well and can stab a few things with her fork. She loves to dance. She talks herself to sleep. She now chooses if she wants to cuddle or just get in her crib. She loves to brush her teeth. She loves to talk on the phone to Nana, Mimi, Poppy, and Papa. God is good. He has surely blessed this family and this home.

Homestudy

I never wrote about our homestudy which was completed on the 2/7. It was much different from the last one, which was solely due to our difference in attitude. I was sick (and actually sicker than I thought..hope I didn't pass it along to the social worker!) and really didn't care if everything was in it's place and put away. Mike felt the same....but I'm not sure why. The spare bed wasn't completely made....(Mike was sleeping in there since I was sick)...the office had a pile of papers that needed to be put away on the table....the bedroom needed dusting...etc, etc, etc. But alas, the homestudy went off without a hitch. When she was asking questions I would usually try to put a positive spin on everything...but I didn't this time. I told the complete truth....GASP....and I didn't care. I'm sure it will be fun reading the homestudy when we get it back in the mail. I'm sure she is having fun trying to type it up!
I am now slowly working on finishing up our profile. This is difficult for me since we have 10 billion pictures and I love every single one of them. Hopefully our consultant will be able to say....not that picture...its terrible! We are also starting to gather up our paperwork to apply to the agencies so that we are ready once the homestudy is complete.
At the end of the day sometimes I question that we are starting again. Are we ready? Should we enjoy Leah more before we add another child? Can we handle the craziness of two? I think about the morning routine which Leah and I have, how will I handle two kids in the morning without Mike around and still get myself out the door in time for work. As it is, sometimes I struggle. I'm sure we will figure it out....with a few stumbles along the way. I need to keep reminding myself that I dont have to do everything perfectly....I just need to do it the best way I can. Deep down I know adding another is right...I just question how it will all work. I think a little longer break between 2 and 3 kids will be warranted though. Give us more time to get back on our feet! :-)

Retreat

I had the wonderful experience of attending the Created for Care adoption mommas retreat this past weekend. I would love to write a long post about the weekend but I am feeling under the weather. I was supposed to travel all day for work but instead am making phone calls from the comfort of my bed. The retreat has renewed me in more ways than one. Hearing others stories has placed a soft place on my heart for those whose hearts are broken and whose lifes are in jeapoardy. We are knee deep in this second adoption and I already know my heart will be open to a third and fourth adoption. I know this feeling that lies deep within will not go away. I know this burden on my heart is meant to be there. Mike knows how I feel.....but of course is not quite on the same page. Thats ok....we will work on that! I believe God will soften his heart as well.
Tonight is our homestudy visit...so I better go clean up my comfy sick bed (and maybe finish working!).