Waiting

Here are a few things keeping us busy while we wait. I am glad we have been busy this wait is feeling like the longest pregnancy ever...and I'm not even pregnant!

Hmmm?? Mike and Josh at St. Pattys Day Parade.

St. Patricks Day Parade on Mike's 30th Birthday!

My new shoes.

A bag I made that ties onto the crib. A little monkey found his way into the bag for the time being!

Fireworks at KennyWood Amusement Park.

End of the day watching the fireworks....we are exhausted at this point!

Before this current match I would have said that waiting was easy. I liked being ignorant that maybe someone was considering us to parent their child. Now though....the waiting is hard. I feel the weight on my shoulders get a little heavier each day. There has been a snag with this current situation which sometimes feels like an anchor which is keeping us grounded where we are. The birthfather is in the picture now more than before and he isn't sure what he wants to do...despite that he signed the paperwork. Hence you understand the wait on our shoulders. Once again...I have no control...and someone else is in control. I am ok with that.....I just would like to know one way or another. I would feel better if I knew that the birthfater could successfully parent...but he is not in the right place at this moment. I am frustrated, sad, trying to be optimistic, and slightly hopeful. I am trying to reflect on my life and figure out how I will handle things if this collapses right before the holidays. At times thinking about it I am saddened. But I do know I am blessed in many many ways. Those things and those people will help me through this and reinforce that I am blessed. We will be parents...when the time comes...and it still may be to this little boy. Only time will tell.

99 Days

MY CURRENT THOUGHTS:

Will she look at her baby boy and fall in love so much that she cant bare to let him go...or will she love him so much that she places him in our hands to love and cherish as much as she does. Because in the end...she will always love him...but the question is if will we get the chance. Sometimes this is too much to ponder and my mind has to let go of all of it and know that someone else is in control.

Its been a long wait. I am ready to know the outcome. We are ready to love if that is the path that is meant to be. 99 days left to go. According to the ticker we have waited 403 days. 99 days seems like eternity right now....even despite that fact that we have waited 403.

My 6 List

I've seen other people make similar lists on their blogs....but I am making my own categories. :-)

6 Things I PLAN to do today:

1. Go to work.

2. Go to a training at another job.

3. Go for a walk with Mike.

4. Pull the weeds out of my front flower bed.

5. Read a book.

6. Paint my toenails.

6 Things that make me HAPPY!!

1. I love working per diem.

2. Being with Mike.

3. Cheese curls

4. Sitting on my deck...when it isnt so hot outside.

5. Thinking about all of our upcoming vacations.

6. The DMB sticker on the back of my car.

6 Things that make me CRINGE:

1. Foul smelling nursing homes ( i've been in a few lately)

2. The thought of L changing her mind.

3. People who constantly complain at work.

4. Headaches.

5. Cat Hairballs.

6. Dead animals on the road...I shiver everytime.

6 Things I hope to Accomplish before Parenthood:

1. Paint the office and Mikes bathroom.

2. Freeze make ahead dinners for those sleepless days and nights.

3. Enjoy every second of our duo status with vacations and sleep.

4. Finish up my scrap booking from our duo years.

5. Work on getting bigger biceps....babies are heavy after awhile!

6. Learn to say NO when work calls.

There you have it! The thoughts which pass through this head of mine. 3.5 months left...nothing has changed and all is fairly quite. L is busy finishing up her semester of school and getting ready for her internship. In a month or so I imagine we will get together with L to make our cooperative agreement since she will be entering her 3rd trimester in a few weeks. We are enjoying our summer....and looking forward to our trips in July and August. I am working like a dog....but loving every minute of it!! I am up to 7 jobs plus my coaching job! July and August are booked up...so the summer will go fast!!!

Procrastination

I am completely and utterly procrastinating right now. I have a to-do list a mile long and here I am writing in my blog. There have been many times I want to write on a specific topic and I get too busy and the thought is gone. So...if the Father's Day cards are a little late you know why...I was blogging! :-) I mentioned how I have bean weary lately and I'm not sure why. As more time goes on I get attached to the idea of L placing her baby with us. I am hoping and praying that this happens. I am comfortable in this situation. I am ok with the idiosyncrasies of situation. I love the whole idea of the story working...how it has made such an amazing story so far and how it would truly be a dream if all comes full circle. It gives me answers to so many things...it completes so many open ended sentences. It prompts me say.... "I now understand." If you don't know..I am a thinker. I like to process life...why things happen...what am I suppose to learn from this....how will this change me. I have had many truly wonderful life experiences and I have had a few things which have been less than desirable. I think about all these experiences and I feel many things in my life have lead to this adoption experience. Things which the logical mind cannot explain. For this I feel very blessed. I think this is why I am so weary of the situation. I am scared this may not work. I have had way too much time to ponder the meaning of all this (5.5 months to be exact...but who's counting). I like the idea of this answering my questions...of making sense of other events in my life. I am afraid....but don't tell anyone. Haha!! But I will be joyous if this does work out. In the end if it doesn't I know there is another child that will call me mom....and we all will live happily ever after.

Already June!!

Summer is now here....and so we begin the season before L's little one is planned to arrive. We have one season. One season to sleep when we want....to go away just the two of us....to make priority of our needs first. We have lots planned....three DMB concerts...a trip to NY state....a trip to CO...a trip to VA....visit a water park. I am excited for this summer!

Though we have lots of trips planned I am busy working working working right now. I love being PRN...and am excited that this is working out so far. I have been working more than I was when I was full time....and have yet to use the extra time for all my projects I want to get done. Im sure I'll slow down at some point and all this hard work will pay off.

Not much is new on the adoption front. I have tried to talk to L less...which is hard for me. I find myself wondering what she is doing...how she is feeling. I need to give her space now so I will have space later. I have two current feelings floating through my head right now... "We still have lots of time" and " Oh no...only 4 months"! I attribute these to feelings to my entry into parent hood. I am excited to become a parent...it's kinda crazy we may be close. And if we are farther away than I expect...I am ok with that too. I still hold true that if she changes her mind...it wasnt meant to be. I learned a lot from this process and I am thankful for that. When asked by others about the adoption I tend to close up right now. I'm not sure why....I just don't feel like talking about it right now. I think I am tired of waiting....with this trust in someone whom could change my life forever or cause us a temporary heartache. How much can you really say to someone who will be sad if it doesnt work out...but it wont change their life plan. No matter how much our social workers tell us not to attach....wait and see...it is impossible. It is impossible to not fall in love...to not hope and pray....to not prepare for the possible arrival of our son. It is quite overwhelming. I do know it will work out the way it is planned...the way it is meant to be. I am ok with that....I am just ready to know the outcome.

Where's the Estrogen?

It's a BOY!!! If everything works out we will have 4 boys in the house (including the cats) and one girl in menopause! I really think that we need a little more estrogen than that in this house! The appointment went well and everything else looked good. It was neat to be able to see all the body parts and see the baby moving around again. L was very excited it was a boy....as this was her prediction. We now are trying to decide on a name...which we are finding it is hard to decide. We still have a little less than 5 months....plenty of time to decide. We thank everyone for all of your support....please keep the prayers coming....we truly hopes this all works out and that in the fall we will have a little boy to cherish.

The Countdown

One week until we find out the sex of L's baby...as long as he/she cooperates. L and Mike think/want it to be a boy....I think it's a girl...but everyone agrees that a healthy baby is all we really want. We are all excited to be able to see the baby. Mike is going which I am excited for. He was able to take the day off and L is fine with him being there so all is a go.

On another front...I have decided to resign from my job and start working per Diem. Basically I work when they need someone...with no promised hours as in part or full time....but at a higher hourly rate. I have signed up with several companies so I am hoping to work 3 -4 days a week. I did this for multiple reasons. I found I was not happy with the current environment I was working...where I used to be happy. I did not want to be grumpy when coming home to my child. I am hoping everything will work out with L...and if not that we will be matched sometime within the next year. With no family in the area to help occasionally I have decided I need to still work but have more flexibility in my schedule which per Diem allows for. Mighty risky with the economy some may say....except in the health care field. There is plenty of work to be had. I actually pretty much am working all of May and June and have started scheduling July. See..lots of work to be had. This will allow me to still make money and have a little more time with a baby. I am excited for this new journey...but also fearful that it wont work out. In the end I know it will work out...I just need to get used to it. I really believe this is the best thing for our family.

Yesterday I was conversing with L through text messages and at one point I wished her a Happy Mothers Day..and her response was...."I'll tell you that next year." How sweet....it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Keep your fingers crossed.