Merry Christmas!

I haven been wanting to write several posts but have lacked the time to sit down and devote myself to this task. Everything is wrapped and packaged up for the car ride home, P*nske truck is loaded with moving boxes to store at our parents house during our move and the house is spotless for today's showing. Hopefully I will have a little more time to devote to this blog while visiting my family next week. We got her pictures taken at Target last week as our first family photo shoot to welcome her home. In the meantime my baby girl turned two months old on Sunday!! She had her two month appointment on 12/22 and weighed in at 13 lbs 6 ounces and 23 inches! What a growing little girl we have on our hands! She is smiling more every day and starting a little chuckle which is so cute. She continues to sleep through the night but does wake early in the morning but is able to fall back asleep on her own. She got meet Mimi and Pappy last weekend for a quick visit since a snowstorm hit resulting in them leaving earlier than expected. We are so totally in love with this little girl...she has turned our world upside down with that cute smile. We have had continuing contact with the birthmom and we feel very blessed to have her in our lives. She is so open and realistic with her expectations and feelings. I am pleasantly surprised that is has been so easy for all of us. We often email and chat on facebook....which seems the easiest for all parties involved. We are talking about a visit after the holidays....when ever she is ready. She mailed me all the hospital stuff....footprints...name card...she said that she knew we would be in her life forever and that she felt that we should have them. Words can't explain how thankful we are of her and our little angel. I get tears in my eyes everytime I think of the gift God has sent us. Truly amazing!

Busy as a Bee!!

I have found that the holidays always seems to be a busy time. Now add....new baby & moving across state into that equation and ta da...you have my life! I would like to say that I have been enjoying every minute of this transition stage but I must admit that I have reached my breaking point several times during the last few weeks. Maybe the time the "stager" came to the house and rearranged my entire house to get it ready to show. Seriously not the time to do that right now.....she is lucky I was nice and didn't say bad words to her. :-) But alas, we are fine and managing through bonding with our little angel, putting our house up for sale, looking for a new house, learning how to be parents, keeping the house clean for showings, getting ready for the holidays, packing boxes, going to baby showers, visiting with family and friends and somehow I am managing to write this blog post! We are still smiling...and we continue to feel blessed! My book group and one of my jobs threw a shower for our little one. It was soo touching that so many people have showered us with gifts....this little girl isn't going to need anything!
We are getting pictures done today which I am excited about. We are not going to do a Christmas theme since she is so little. I can't wait to see how they turn out!

That's my life in a nut shell! As always, I will leave you with a few pictures!

Openness

How do you define openness in adoption? I am lucky to say that we are venturing down this road early and I do hope it benefits all involved. I think about our little one's birthmother often...how she is doing....is she getting through this...does she want to hear from us? We exchanged one email between our first meeting and placement day...initiated by her. I'm glad she emailed...I didn't want to be the first one to initiate that contact. I can't imagine how hard this is for her...I felt I needed to thread lightly. Now that we have had placement I decided to send her an email without pics....just to check up on her and tell her how the transition went. I told her to ask when she wanted pics. She responded that day and said go ahead and send them. Her strength is amazing...I'm not sure I could be so strong in her shoes. So I've decided that openness is whatever you make it to be and whatever is comfortable for all parties involved. I know some close to me look at me and say....are you sure...is it too much...will she interfere. All I can say is that I don't know what this life will bring me but all I can do is what feels right. And this openness with our daughter's birthmom feels right.

Placement and First Day Alone!!

When I have some time to sit and reflect on yesterday I will write a longer post. We had a wonderful day...it was emotional...it was powerful...it was humbling. There were tears by all, but it was a happy time for our little daughter. She slept through the whole thing. We had one blunder....I forgot to put back the card into the camera...so we couldn't take pictures! Luckily....everyone had cameras....so we will still have pictures of the placement.

Our little angel is heaven sent! She is so content and happy. She is starting to really interact with us....some smiling...some babbling. I love it! I was nervous for this transition. We are taking her away from everything she has known for the past 6 weeks and putting her in a new environment. I was nervous she wasn't going to sleep at night ( she was sleeping all night at her foster home). I was nervous she would start crying more ( she cried little at her foster home). Well...guess what....she slept all through the night!! I put her down at 10-10:30 and I heard at 6 am cooing and babbling. At 7am she still wasn't crying but I couldn't wait to go see her!! She was happy as a clam as I changed her diaper and then we sat in the rocking chair during her bottle.

I feel so very blessed. I know why my last match didn't work out. He already had other plans for us. Here are a few pictures at home!!

Blessed

There are no words to describe the day we have had. God has provided us with a true angel. We are gratefully blessed.

A picture journey of our day.....I know that's what you really want.

Christmas Tree....Boxes.....& Baby Stuff

I should be working on my house....as there are lots of things that need done but I needed a small break. I spent a few hours washing clothes and trying to organize the nursery. I will hopefully get that done later so I can spend tomorrow packing more boxes and trying to get the house ready to show. At times I stand in the middle of a room...looking around at all the craziness and I feel this swell of overwhelming emotion and I think.....how are we going to get through this? Then Mike looks at me and says...."It'll be fine." What a calm sense of reassurance he is right now! Love it! I'm not complaining by any means...I just know this is going to be tough at times....but so worth it. Once I get all the rooms together I will post a few pictures of the nursery and tree. We debated about putting up a tree since we are trying to sell the house....but our little angel needs a tree for her first Christmas.

I am so anxious to meet our little angel. Her foster mom is great and sends text pictures to us so we can see her chubby cheeks. She is already sleeping through the night...and is just a "doll" according to her. I am so looking forward to holding her.....cuddling with her...kissing those chubby cheeks I can hardly stand it. A few more days with lots to do should pass time quickly.

Wish 2

Not that long ago I wrote about wish one coming true...Mike getting the promotion and now moving across state to live near our family. Well.....I jinxed myself when I said that I couldn't think of anything better than moving and getting a baby at the same time....because we are bringing home our daughter next week!!! Needless to say it has been a whirlwind of events this past week and a half. I unfortunately don't have a lot of time to sit down and write out the whole journey as we are packing and setting up a nursery at the same time. For purposes of my short lived memory I have included a timeline of the past few weeks. I will try to deligiently keep up on blogging...but I am also very realistic that all of this new activity will keep my time limited. We are feeling blessed in so many ways and are very grateful that God as filled our aching hearts.

Timeline:

Nov 11 - hear about a situation from our social worker about a baby born in October

Nov 12 - Mike interviews for promotion

Nov 13 - tell social worker that we want to be shown for situation

Nov 18 - get "the call" about being chosen by the birthmother; learn it is a baby girl

Nov 19th - Mike officially gets the job offer

Nov 25th - meet with birthmother...everything goes great and she asks us to parent her baby, we get pictures of her to surprise our family

Nov 25/26th- our family gets the surprise of its newest addition

Next week :

Dec 1st - meet our baby girl

Dec 2nd - placement day at the agency

I will post a picture after she is home. Each time I look at her picture I fall more in love and can't believe this happening! More to come!

Packing

Mike and I have been busy packing up our house and getting it ready to sell. We have taken down any excess clutter and gotten rid of all personalized pictures....trying to make our house into a very neutral space for a future owner. I love pictures so wrapping them up and putting them in a box is kinda sad....but I will be very excited when I get to pull them out again...in the new house! We also touched up some painting and have begun a thorough cleaning of the house top to bottom. Hopefully by Wednesday we will have everything ready and maybe a "for sale" sign in the front yard. It is good to have a project to dive into and keep me busy. I needed this....in so many ways. My family and friends are so excited to have us nearby again. My friends here are sad...and trying diligently to veto the move. The girls on my soccer team want to find a tournament near our new home so they can come visit...and they want me to buy a big house so they can have a sleep over! I am sad to say goodbye to all of my coworkers..and I have a lot since I self contract out to 8+ therapy departments. Mike is excited about his new position and so ready for a change. He is looking forward to a "9-5" job without the on-call weekends and nights.

Still waiting on the adoption front. I hear they are still busy....

"The Call"

Every adoption journey has a point when they receive the call. Tonight was our night!!!! 6:18pm....the phone rings as I am putting laundry in the washer...Mike looks at the phone and calls out my name....Megan...and we just look at each other because I know who it is by just looking at his face. Let me go back and tell you that on the 11th our social worker had called and told us about a baby who was born in October and asked if we wanted to be presented. After some discussion we said yes. I believe my exact words were " God will decide". Since we have started our adoption journey I have become much more strong in my faith...truly seeing that adoption is a miracle and a gift that I cannot comprehend at times. Knowing that a family can be built on the foundation of a difficult situation is truly a miracle. So....when our social worker called tonight...we had a strong feeling we knew why she was calling. We were right....we were picked!! The birth mother had picked us and is very excited about meeting us. We were both speechless as tears formed in our eyes. We have to wait until Wednesday to meet as she can only meet a few days a week and our social worker is out one of those days. We are both shocked...Mike is speechless laying on the couch covering his eyes which are filled with tears....my mind is racing a million miles a minute. The next few weeks are going to be wonderful, crazy, stressful, joyous. Words cannot explain how I am feeling....all the pain...all the frustration...it all makes sense. The heartache from our last match and the reason behind our last match....God has explained it all. He has given more than He has taken away. I am amazed. I am humbled. I am thankful. And now....I am going to be up all night in celebration!

Wish One!

Wish one has come true....Mike got the job!! I am patiently waiting (still!) to hear the details as he is still at work. I am super excited to move back "home" and be near family. This is a huge opportunity for Mike and I am so excited for him. This job will give him lots of exposure to the VPs of the company which is awesome for his future endeavors. Now....time to put the house up for sale and find a new one....four hours away!! And of course...we continue praying for "our" baby to find their way home. I guess I better get scrubbing the house....get it ready for a future owner!

Starting Line

We are currently standing at the starting line waiting to take off and begin this race. Mike went for his interview this past week and we are patiently (yeah right) waiting to hear what the result is. We also have heard a few snippets from the adoption agency...but my lips are sealed on that topic. Nobody has picked us....they are just busy...which I knew before...but I know that more now. So...here we stand...on the starting line....wondering if we could be so lucky to get a baby and have to move in the same week. Sounds crazy but I couldn't dream of anything better! I am off now to coach a soccer tournament out of state....something to keep my busy for the day.

Trying to Turn Over a New Leaf

The last few entries I have written about my sour mood. Of course I would love to think that every bit of this process has been a breeze without any bumps in the road but it has not been that way. I want to look back in ten years and remember the good moments and the less joyful moments. I want my child to know the journey we took to find them....good and bad...when they are old enough. So yes...October sucked....BUT...it happened for a reason. I know when I meet my child I will understand. I will understand that I was supposed to be a parent to them...not L's baby. I am much closer to getting out of my funk. Not that anything has changed...just that I am healing from the trials and tribulations from this past month. I know in time all will make sense. Our child is out there....waiting for us...as we are waiting for them. When we meet, it will be a wonderful day. Until then....it is off to focus on something other than the adoption right now.

While reading another blog I came across this quote:

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." -M. Scott Peck

Here's to different ways!

A Rough Weekend

I need to get through this funk. I thought I was until friday...when the time hit me again. Our social worker has emailed us telling us they are busy. Not really what I want to hear because my phone is still not ringing. They can be working with 20 e-moms and we could still not be chosen. So there it is....I don't want to hear about how busy they are. I don't want to feel like the un-chosen. The ones they didn't want. Don't get me wrong - I know we will be the chosen ones in time. I am so thankful to follow others adoption journeys through blogs...I know I am not the only ones with these feelings. The past month has been the hardest month of this journey. Really...one bad month out of 18 months is really not that bad.

Onto other news. There was a potential opportunity for Mike to interview near our hometown....which we were very excited about...but after much discussion after a few long weeks...we found out they are not going to fill the position again. So....along with the bubble bursting on the adoption...we also had the disappointment of not being able to move closer to our family. BUT....he is now considering a possible job in the corporate office....which is also closer to our family. Cross your fingers...I could use some family near by right now.

So there you have it. Adoption stress + failed job opportunity = Megan's funk.
Baby + a promotion for Mike = Goodbye Funk!!

Say some prayers for my funk eliminators! :-)

Which Path To Take?

I have been in a funk this week. The failed match has caught up with me in a way I didnt think about. I feel like we are sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean with no sign of rescue. We are doing nothing. Just sitting and waiting. This was much easier before our match with L. I didn't have any expectations at that point. Now I have enormous expectations.....to be a mom. My friends are starting to think about and try for child #2. I feel like I am being left behind....just sitting on my boat as they row to some island of fertility. I have never questioned the circumstances of my inability to have children so much before. I think about that journey and I feel regretful. I shouldn't because I know that the best decisions where made for my health. If I didn't have my health we wouldn't be thinking about adding to our family. But....I still feel regretful. After being so close to bringing home a child I am lost. I don't know which direction to turn. I do know that I can't wait another year.

I have been scouring the internet for other adoption options and have come across a consulting agency which I would love to use. We have decided to wait until the New Year to further entertain the idea of changing directions. Fortunately our agency will allow us to pursue other options while waiting with them and even let us be put on hold if we find a match another way. We do not want to make a hasty decision hence the New Years time period. A few more months on our boat won't kill me. Even as I write this I feel better. The feelings of adoption can be raw at times....they can hurt to the bone...but they can also ignite love and joy in a roomful of beating hearts. We will make it through this journey full of love and joy...we just aren't there yet.

Finally!

Jason is home! Jason is home! Jason is home! For those who are unaware my beloved brother has spent the last year in Iraq with the US Army. I am so proud that he is defending our freedom....despite what my political views are. He is part of the Army Reserves and this is the second time in 7 years he has had to go overseas for an entire year. It is a HUGE sacrifice for him and his family. He has missed one year of his sons life...which is a lot for someone whom is now only 2 1/2 years old. I won't be able to see him for a few more weeks but I am so glad his feet are on US soil and he is with the comfort of his family. Welcome home bro...we sure missed you!

One Year

We have now hit one year of waiting. The number is kinda skewed though since we were matched for almost 8 months of that time. So technically one year of waiting has really only been 4 months of no action. I must admit that when we started our waiting period I never imagined the year would pan out like this. I'm not completely sure how I really feel about where we are today. Amazingly the best word I can use is contentment...which I'm sure is surprising to most of you. I'm ok with our failed match...as I still have faith that "our" child will find their way home. I know our profile is being shown again which gives me hope. In the year to come I am wishing for a shorter wait than last year..haha and I am hoping we get the joy of meeting our child. Here's to hope!!

A few weeks ago my best friends came out to visit with their sons who are both turning one this month!! The time went so fast! Here are a few pictures of me with them. I am hoping next year their will be a picture of me with my child and the two boys on their 2nd birthday! Aren't they the cutest guys ever!!

No Work for Me Today!!

About 6 months ago I changed my work status from fulltime to PRN or as needed. I now work for 8 companies who call me when they need extra hands when they have staff off or their census is high. I originally made the switch to allow me more flexibility and still make the same amount of money. I first worried I would not get enough work but I was so wrong. I have continued to work 35-45 hours a week which has been awesome. Yesterday the place I was scheduled had a lower census than expected and I unexpectedly got the day off!! I loved it!! I didn't do much of anything..cleaned a little bit....watched some lifetime movies (which were horrible)...did some crafting....went to soccer practice. Today and the rest of the week I only have to work about 5 hours a day....splendid! I am enjoying the break because I know in a few weeks I am looking at a 50+ work week since I double booked the whole week (on purpose).

The real purpose of this post. I had emailed L a few weeks ago asking her how I should get her U/S pics back to her. I sent her a really nice email...we understand...this is hard....no bad feelings...let us know if anything changes...that kind of email. She never responded which I thought was odd...was she ashamed...guilty...mad?? I don't know but she finally responded which made me feel better. She feels terrible about this...she still wishes to place....but the father is not cooperating and is not willing to go through with the adoption. She stated she was unhappy and doesn't know how it is going to work out....she is quiet upset. I do feel bad that she is now forced to parent...but not that bad...she is the one who got pregnant in the first place. She wants to keep in touch....we'll see. She wants to know when we get a baby. She has such good intentions...if she could only ditch the sack of potatoes she is carrying around! :-)
FYI: L still did not have the baby..I'm sure any day now. Maybe it will hit me then?

Have we told everyone yet?

After the initial shock that our match fell through we realized we had to tell EVERYONE. Since we were matched for 8 months...it was a little hard to keep the adoption a secret. Therefore EVERYONE knew. A few weeks later and still not everyone knows that the match is over. At least every other day I run into someone who does now know. I find myself avoiding people occasionally that don't know. It's not that I get upset..or that I am upset about the loss....I am just plain tired of telling the story and getting that "OMG....I'm so sorry" pity look. They all mean well but really I am fine. Then the conversation goes...." Are you really ok...or is this just a front you are putting up." Nope...really ok here. No one seems to believe that we are really ok. Through out this whole experience we have had realistic hope. We still do.

When everything fell apart I pondered what I was supposed to learn from this. I think I now realize. It wasn't about how to deal with loss....I got that down already....It wasn't about how to be a stronger person....once again....I got that down. I really think it was to make me realize how blessed and how awesome my life is. I did know that....but every since that fallout I have felt that even more. The stress of the our match was starting to consume me and I think that was very normal given the situation. Sometimes throughout adoption you want a child so badly because you think this child will make your life full and complete. In the end...I don't need this baby to make my life whole...it really already is. So now here we wait...for our child...feeling happy and blessed. I really have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. My life is full with them.

When we do get our child that will only be icing on the cake.

My New Necklace

I love the ETSY shop online. If you haven't been there to browse...you must check it out. The other week I was browsing and found this necklace. It came in the mail yesterday and I plan on wearing it until we get our baby. Read below for the designers description...AMAZING!

The designer is an adoptive mom of two. All of her proceeds of the necklaces go towards her adoption court fees for her second child. Below is her description of the necklace on her website.

Description
{LOVE}"Where there is great love, there are always miracles."~Willa Sibert Cather

This particular piece is made with amber. At my little local supply shop, i was researching the holistic properties of stones and gems that I thought were beautiful. I looked up amber and read the following:"amber provides an energy to kindle the realization of choice, helping one to choose and to be chosen." powerful.

If you are a birth parent or an expectant parent considering adoption, I pray you will have the help you need to choose. such big choices await you. If you are an adoptive parent or hopeful adoptive parent, I pray you are chosen quickly and that you will recognize how sacred it is to be "chosen" to be a parent.

Can it get better than that!! Love it!

Me Time

I have been thinking about how I can spend my time now that I am not preparing for a baby. Luckily for me I have great friends and a few of them came over to watch the Steelers game on Sunday. As you can see....the boys are glued to the TV and their laptop computers. Fantasy football people..come on!

We of course were not near the TV!

As you all know I like to keep busy crafting. I've been lurking on a few crafting blogs and have found a few projects which I didn't think I would have time to complete. Now though....I have more time then I thought so I decided to get to work on a quick project. I made a cell-phone/camera pouch. It was super easy. Hmm...what shall I try next?!

On the adoption note. I spoke with our social worker today. She called to see how we are doing. I told her..amazingly...that we are ok with everything. We still truly believe that our child will find their way home. She did mention that they have several situations which they are working on and have not matched yet. It sounded like a few babies may be with foster families and a few babies haven't been born yet. So....here's to hoping this next stage goes quickly. Until then...we will keep busy. Thanks for all the prayers and wishes. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!!

The Rest of the Story....

My last post was short.....for obvious reasons. I'm sure many of you have questions so I will summarize the past week. Last week we were supposed to get together with L and make our cooperative agreement. We had yet to decide a day and by Wednesday we set a meeting up for Friday. The agency asked if we could contact her and they would attempt also...but she will usually call me back first. I couldn't get ahold of her. I knew this was bad since she knew we were planning on meeting. I basically played phone tag by myself for a few days since no one was calling me back....not L...not the agency. By this time I knew in my heart things were over. When I finally got ahold of L through text she said she wanted to wait until the e-father talked to the agency again. Remember him...the one who signed his rights away a long time ago. At this point I was very stressed and knew I couldn't handle this situation anymore. I truly believe the expectant father wants to parent despite that he does not have the resources to do so. We decided to walk away from this match since the chance of adoption is now very low. Our social worker stated that it may still come together at the very end...but we are now back in the books and have no obligation to L. Since she was not calling us back I sent her a text wishing her best of luck. She responded by saying not to give up hope yet. I feel bad for her situation as I know she really wants to place this child with us. At the same time she is letting the father live with her...and ultimately he is controlling her. After a few sad moments I feel better than when we were matched. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't like drama...and this was way too much for me. We are still hopeful that there is a child for us...and that they will find their way home. Thank you for all of your prayers and warm wishes. Once again...hardship reminds us how blessed we really are...baby or no baby.

The Saddest Day

Our match fell through. Not much else to say. We are sad. Such is life at times.

Tick Tock

We are getting closer and closer. I am thankful. I really want to see how this is all going to unfold. We are going to set-up the nursery this coming weekend. We have finished re-purposing our office from an office and craft room to a office/craft/spare bedroom. It actually works out a lot better than I thought it would. I am excited to get the nursery together..as it is now a mess of clothes, toys, bedding and disassembled furniture.

We have been sneaking in some fun couple time...dinners out...comedy club....dual piano bar. We also started this exercise program which last 90 days to keep us busy during the rest of the wait. Im hoping to be able to quit after 30 days if I have a son to take care of...but if not it will at least keep me busy while my heart heals. Soccer is up and running again. The girls did so well that they ended up in the Elite division of their league...which is saying a lot since the already play in the highest level of competition at this age. Needless to say...we have a very tough section and lost our first game yesterday....but it was to the same team that we lost to in the finals of the state cup....so I'll give them this one loss!! In the spring we play the top teams from NY, PA, WV, NJ, VA, MD and DE. I am excited for the girls...they are sooo talented!

I have also been busy getting a gift together for L. Nothing seems to be adequate enough to express my thanks. I started a letter which I hope to wrap up soon. I have also started one for the birthfather...though it has been a lot more difficult to write since we have never met.

I am feeling slightly more anxious as the time ticks on. I think I am this way because I know she delivered two weeks early with her last child. Do the math....that means it could be really soon!!! Please pray for everyone involved with this situation. Please send L warm wishes and strength. Please pray for the birthfather.

I couldn't stay away!

SO....I said I wasn't going to post for awhile. Then I realized that some of you like the updates. I have decided to write...but please pardon my less than poetic pose right now. It would take me forever to try and put my feelings into words...so you will have to read whatever my fingers type out! Last week we met with our social worker to review our cooperative agreement before with sit down with L. She was very supportive of all of our decisions. She thought L defiantly choose the right family since we are so open and willing to accept whatever comes our way with this match. She also reviewed how the hospital experience typical goes which helps us paint a better picture of what to expect on delivery day. She talked about what we should have ready. Little does she know that we have a ton of baby stuff!! I told her how we are ready....we have done every appointment under the sun (DR, Vet, eye, hair...etc) and even assembled pre-made meals
that only need popped in the oven. We are ready....well kinda. Im not sure how ready I am for sleepless nights...a crying baby...the anxiety of the 30 day waiting period. But we are enjoying our days as a dou. We enjoyed going to the rib fest this weekend at the football stadium. Afterwards, we sat on a park bench overlooking the city....and I realized....this may be the last summer of just us....being lazy...sitting on a park bench....completely relaxed. The next time we sit on a park bench we may have our child with us...and it may not be so relaxing...

but it will be oh so worth it!

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger

I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great career, coach a great soccer team, have a loving family, have wonderful friends, the best cats. I have a great life. And right now....I believe this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through....and that is saying a lot! I am going to take a break from posting on this blog for a few weeks. I cannot find the words to explain how I am feeling and to fully explain this experience. I am so fortunate that we are in the position to adopt...and we have wonderful support systems. These past few weeks have been quiet stressful related to the adoption. It is only going to get more stressful before it gets any easier. There are several red flags with our current match. Nothing has really changed but now that the due date is getting closer decisions need to be made. There is a chance that this match will fall through...but more than likely not until the birth or after placement. Yes....I said after placement. Since that is a possibility we have decided not to announce the birth on the blog right away. We may go into hiding after the birth and not allow anyone to come visit or meet the baby until 30 days after the birth when the parental rights are terminated. I know this may be dissappointing to some of you...but we feel this will be easier. We do have the choice of using a foster family to take the baby before he comes home with us to allow time to pass for the termination of birthparent rights. After discussion we have opted for a direct placement from the hospital. God is the one in control...and I have to trust He knows the best thing for this baby. If that means we get the baby for 3 weeks and he goes back to the birth parents then so be it. I will be very sad...but at the same time I want to protect my loved ones as much as I can. The less people who intially meet the baby the less confusion for the baby, and I truly believe the sting will be less on our loved ones. Please pray for the expectant parents, the little guy and us. I am letting go of any decision and letting God in control. I know we will be parents to whomever He wants.

Impostor

Every time I go to Bab.ies R Us I feel like an impostor. Each time I check out the cashier asks if my purchase is off a registry ... and when I say no...they proceed to ask if I need a gift receipt. It's makes me feel awkward...like I couldn't possibly be buying the items for my child. Sometimes I want to gleefully shout..."I'm adopting and the expectant mother is 8 months pregnant".... sometimes I just want to run from the store. In truth....I'm sure I'm being sensitive....but sometimes I wish someone looked at me and knew I was "expecting" without me having to explain the whole situation.

I am anxiously counting the days till L's due date. Our to-do list is getting shorter each day as we work diligently on our tasks. We are working on setting a date to complete our cooperative agreement with L. I am still amazed everything is on track....and I am so thankful.

I am having a hard time comprehending what the little guys birthday will be like. I am anxious....afraid....hopeful....saddened...and overjoyed....all at the same time. On one hand I am overjoyed that L has the strength and courage to make our dreams come true. At the same time I am sad for her. I cant imagine the pain it will cause her to let go of her little boy. I am currently in the process of writing her a letter to explain how I thankful I am. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to sit down and write. How do you thank someone for letting you raise their baby....for helping you build your family....for giving you your son? This process has been long....some parts have been easier than others...but it is truly an amazing journey.

8 weeks and counting

8 weeks....56 days...1344 hours. That is the time until L's due. Now we all know that one's due date is really whenever the little one decides to arrive. When we first heard from L she was only 5 weeks along...and we had 35 weeks or 245 days to wait. Can you believe we have waited 189 days to see if this is going to work out! Thinking back there have been days when I didn't think about the adoption....there have been days when I was sure it wasn't going to work out....but most days I have had reserved hope. I can now tell you that my reserve is almost empty...though the vacations did help fill my tank a little.

We are trying to prepare the house and our life for the arrival of a little one. We have been buying things since we started the process but recently have gotten a lot more baby items....many loved ones have helped out and provided lots of goodies for the little one. We are planning to set-up the nursery mid-Sept...about a month before L's due date. We have scheduled eye, dental, hair, doctor and vet appointments for the next few weeks. We've decided that we do not want to do any of this with a little one. We have started to research day cares...but will go visit them only once the due date gets a little closer. We have signed up to make pre-assembled meals which we will freeze for easy dinners for those oh so tired days. So there it is....we are officially getting ready for the third member of our family to arrive.

Physically we are preparing. Emotionally I have no idea how to prepare. I don't think the waiting will be anything compared to what we will feel at the birth and on decision day. I believe this will bring some of my happiest moments and some of my saddest moments. I remember long ago I questioned whether or not I could endure adoption for one reason....I wasn't sure I could handle seeing the heartbreak of the birth parents. I can't imagine. I am glad L is so strong...but I ask everyone to pray for her, the expectant father and the little guy. Pray for their strength, courage and healing.

Estes Park, CO

I love vacations!

We ended up our two week adventure in Estes Park, CO for Mike's cousins wedding. We had a good time and enjoyed our stay visiting with family and relaxing. We enjoyed a ghost tour at the Stanley hotel ( Steven Kings inspiration for "The Shining"), visited the Rocky Mtn National Park, did a little shopping at the cute "tourism" shops and finished off with a wedding.

Check out a few moments along the way!

We take good wedding photos!

At the top of Rocky Mountain National Park

Near the entrance of RMNP

Downtown Estes Park

The Stanley Hotel

Norfolk / VA Beach

We are home for two days before we leave for Colorado. Here are a few pictures from our trip to visit April, Jason and little Ben, whom live in Norfolk, VA. Missy, Seth and little Liam met us there. Both boys are now 9 months old already! We got a first hand experience what it means to have a little one...and Mike is born to be a dad!

We left him in charge of the boys!

Holding two little ones is not so easy!


Go fly a kite!

Yes - we are drinking beer!

She makes it look so easy!

Can you find me?

Liams favorite pose.

I have the BEST husband!!

I am truly a lucky lucky girl!! My husband surprised me with a new camera for my birthday!! Total surprise for me....and I LOVE it! I now must figure out how to work all the fancy options and lenses. Check it out below:

Surprise...I cant sleep.

Here's the rest of the story to why I am stressed out. 6 months ago we received an email which had the potential to change the rest of our lives in one instant. The truth of that statement lies in the fact that we would have to wait 8.5 months to figure out if that one second changed our whole life or just that particular 8.5 months. Following me here? That is adoption in a nut shell. One instant which will either change your life forever or change your current position in life for a smaller fraction of time. So...yes I am stressed...because I still have 2.5 more months to wait. 2.5 more months to ponder whether or not my life is changed forever. Yes...I.am.stressed! My mind is on the adoption most of the day. FYI: If I am with you and I am not talking about the adoption....don't bring it up!!! I need lots of distraction right now! Please continue to keep the prayers coming...I am hoping to make it through this with part of my sanity....wishes for that are also welcome! haha! :-)

AHHHHH!

CAN I TELL YOU I AM CURRENTLY STRESSED OUT!!!!!!

but i am learning to live with it.

Weekend Fun

Mike and I went to visit Steve and Emily in Buffalo, NY this weekend. We hit up a festival Saturday night for some good eats. When we got home on Sunday I got busy finishing up on a few projects. Here are a few pictures from the weekend!

Best piece of pizza EVER....notice it is the size of his head.

Name of the pizza hut...Campi's..look for at next festival!

Emily & Steve

Homemade baby bibs!

Homemade Baby Blocks

Homemade Tag Blanket