Which Path To Take?

I have been in a funk this week. The failed match has caught up with me in a way I didnt think about. I feel like we are sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean with no sign of rescue. We are doing nothing. Just sitting and waiting. This was much easier before our match with L. I didn't have any expectations at that point. Now I have enormous expectations.....to be a mom. My friends are starting to think about and try for child #2. I feel like I am being left behind....just sitting on my boat as they row to some island of fertility. I have never questioned the circumstances of my inability to have children so much before. I think about that journey and I feel regretful. I shouldn't because I know that the best decisions where made for my health. If I didn't have my health we wouldn't be thinking about adding to our family. But....I still feel regretful. After being so close to bringing home a child I am lost. I don't know which direction to turn. I do know that I can't wait another year.

I have been scouring the internet for other adoption options and have come across a consulting agency which I would love to use. We have decided to wait until the New Year to further entertain the idea of changing directions. Fortunately our agency will allow us to pursue other options while waiting with them and even let us be put on hold if we find a match another way. We do not want to make a hasty decision hence the New Years time period. A few more months on our boat won't kill me. Even as I write this I feel better. The feelings of adoption can be raw at times....they can hurt to the bone...but they can also ignite love and joy in a roomful of beating hearts. We will make it through this journey full of love and joy...we just aren't there yet.