6 months - where did you go?

The truth: My little is an early bird...which means no more early morning mommy time. Having two litte ones I find little time to write a post....though I think I will miss not being able to go back and read. Currently it is 6 am...and dad just got done feeding Lucas and he is now babbling in his crib at his sun crib toy which is signing to him. Today he slept in. Yep...you read that right. He enjoys waking between 4:45 and 5am on most days. We rotate who gets up with him and when I do.....I love that time. He is a very cuddly little guy. He will wrap himself around you snuggling right into the crook of your neck. What a sweet little guy. Little though may not be the right word anymore. He is now 8 months and weighs almost 22 lbs. He has very few rolls though since he is so long. I haven't measured him in awhile, but at his 6 month appt he was in the 97% for height. I wont be surprised if next Christmas he is taller than his sister, who is in the 50%. I completely anticipate that everyone will think he is older than Leah at some point due to height. I have already been asked if they are twins....which I thought was ridicoulous.
Things have been pretty status quo around here. Working fulltime and having two kids age 2 and under keeps me very busy. I wont say it is harder having two littles, it just takes a lot more time to accomplish one thing. Lucas has started crawling so I'm guessing it will take even longer now. Leah is realizing that he can now crawl over and get her toy...which she isnt too fond of right now.
We have also been passing around a cold for 3 months now. I have been sick three times and the kids are on their second cold. Mike has escaped all the colds, lucky guy. I've had it with cold season and may need a padded room if I get another one. Lucas had a double ear infection and didnt cry a bit! He wanted to be held more but that was it. I couldnt believe when the doctor said he had an ear infection....what a little tropper.
My gram has also been ill this fall and has now moved into a nursing home. We are grateful she is still here with us though it is sad knowing she is in more pain and in a place that doesnt feel like home. We can only pray that God will welcome her to her eternal home and give her peace and relief from her suffering.
I will post pictures and more about Christmas. The kids were very blessed by everyone and now there playroom is full of toys. It is hard trying to incorporate the true meaning of Christmas with a two year old but she did learn that is was Jesus's Birthday. I often heard her signing Happy Birthday this month...which I thought was very dear.

Summer Fun

I promise I will finish Lucas's story...but not today. I am officially on "summer" contract, which entails only 10 hours of work each week. Love that my attention is now on the kiddos and all kinds of summer fun. There have been serious talks of me staying at home....but I am torn more than the hubby. I love my job...and I love staying at home with the kiddos. And....I would love to be a foster momma. I can't do all three. This summer will hopefully lead me to an answer. I do know that I will at least work this next year. Then maybe I will try to finagle a part time position or maybe I will just adjunct teach a few courses. In the mean time I am going to have fun with the kiddos.

Lucas turned 2 months old on Monday!!

11lbs 8 ozs
23 inches

The doctor said it was rare to have a baby so social!
He smiles at EVERYONE!

Loves playing in his play gym and bouncer.
Started batting at toys.
Doesn't mind tummy time (at least compared to his sister who hated it).
Loves to cuddle with whoever will hold him.
Holds conversations with the sweetest sounds.

Just slept 8 hours last night for the first time!!!

We are loving this boy....he is truly a precious happy guy.
God has blessed this house and this family again.

Here are some summer fun pictures:

I know I am partial but aren't these two the cutest! I just got tears looking at their precious faces and smiles. Now that's why I want to stay at home.

What happened to April and May?

It's 3am in the morning and I've just got done putting a load of laundry in the washer and cleaning and organizing under the sink. Aparrently I've completly lost my mind...since those with one month old babies tend to like their sleep. Lack of sleep has been a constant battle of mine for years (scratch that...my mom reminds me I never slept as a child...so I suppose it is actually my normal), so I now tend to embrace this time and get things done. Mike enjoys waking up to a clean house and who can blame him...it's like a clean house fairy...she turns dirty piles into clean baskets of folded laundry.....dusts the living room......baby bottles become washed and filled for the next day. Wow....sign me up! Okay...this is not what I intended to write about (maybe I should rethink adding blogging to the night shift of things I can accomplish).


Thruthfully I intended to write about the amazing April that followed my sucky March. Waiting in adoption is hard. It was hard the first time but it was sooo much more difficult asking to be shown for situations and then just waiting. Last time we had the luxury of "not knowing" each time...which is a blessing. This time around we had to ask to be shown for 90% of the situations we were presented to. I tend to be slightly obessive compulsive with things (and that too I get honestly...dad), and I would check the sites mutliple times a day. Then I would asked to be submitted and then we would wait. In the mean time I would drive EVERYONE crazy with the updates...because I was sooo consumed. Then it happened...we found out a birthmother had chosen us. I was so excited. We had the chance to speak with her on the phone....and then....things started to unfold. I'm not sure if it was a full out scam....but it was pretty close. I spent an entire day on the phone with agencies and attorneys, doing research to find out what really was the truth. In the end we turned down the match. I truly felt this individual was pregnant and probably was going to place her baby for adoptoin...but it was too unethical for me to be involved. Had she been due in a few weeks maybe we would have stuck it out...but her due date was changing...so who knows how long we would have been waiting.


After that I was pretty down and contemplated stopping the process all together. I tend to consider myself a honest and ethical person. It was difficult to see the world in a way that was dishonest and unethical. I know this is reality....but it hit too close to home this time. I decided to stick with our original plan and wait for the agencies we signed up to find us match. (The above "match" was through a facilitator).


But...as you know...I am obsessive...and continuted to check the websites. I came across a situation which was posted on a website by an agency. Well....you can guess where this is going. The situation was posted on a Sunday regarding a baby that was due in another state that coming Wednesday. It was now Monday. I sent an email with our profile. In a few hours the social worker returned my email asking for our homestudy which I quickly sent. I then told Mike I was submitting for the situation. The SW felt we were a good option for this situation and told us she would speak with us later. By the afternoon she felt we would be choosen and that she would call us after meeting with the family. I was slightly confused since she didnt meet witht the family yet but just decided to wait it out. The evening passed and we finally surrendered to bed thinking we were not chosen. It was 10:30pm when the phone rang....an out of state cell phone. Holy crap! It was the social worker telling us that they would like us to parent their baby! I was pretty speechless on the phone. Here we sit across the country with nothing ready for a baby boy ( we had only been waiting for 1 month) and we had to fly across the country in less than 48 hours...to hold our son. What?!?!
Needless to say little sleep was had that night. We were busy booking flights and hotels, filling out paperwork, packing. Then there was my frantic attempt to find everything gender neutral for the baby out of Leah's old clothes...and then wash all of it. It is comical (now) to think about me going through plastic bins in the basement at 2am in the morning...especially since I felt the need to do it at warp speed. There still maybe opened bins with clothes spilling out right now...who knows...I've never gone back to look! We both had to go to work in the morning since no one knew this was happening and we had to tie up lose ends as we would be away for a few weeks. By 6am Wednesday morning we were at the airport and ready to board the plane. It was a quick 30 or so hours ..... highly stressed and emotional. We attempted to support each other as best we could but there were a few points when we each were struggling. This was such a blessing but we were taking a risk. We didn't know anyone who had used this agency and we had never spoke with them until the day we were chosen. We had no proof of pregnancy...only a hand typed one page word document on the birth family. Overall the financial risk was null...since the agency does not collect funds until after placement and consent (was is irrevocable in this state). Sometimes you just know it is going to be ok. This time...I just knew it was going to be ok.

Since this post is getting long...I will write soon about our arrival in another state and his birth.

4 Days Left

I still am not loving March but do hope that in the last 4 days some redemptive qualities will emerge. But...I'm not banking on it. This week has been crazy like all the previous ones in March. Work has been crazy with an upcoming conference I am hosting at our college. The event is this saturday and I'm so ready for it to be over. I have enjoyed the challenge of organizing it but have decided that the conference and the adoption are a little too much stress. These two things together are leaving my pillow lonely. My fieldwork students are ending their first rotations and unfortunately I had to attend a site Friday to fail one. It was pretty sad but I feel every effort was put out by myself and the fieldwork educator. Once again I was reminded of the phrase, "What will be, will be." Hhmm.....maybe that should be tattooed on my hand so I can be reminded of this everyday.

And of course, the adoption process is going strong and kicking my butt at every turn. I believe the score is now 0 -4, with us losing. Can I tell you sarcastically how much I love PA adoption law? Well, for that matter, the fact that every state has different adoption law. It is nearly impossible to try and understand how each state works and what is and is not allowed. We are trying to wait to hire a lawyer until we know we need one....but I'm thinking we need one just to interpret whether or not we can even be shown for some situations. That was the battle this week.

I know I do seem quite negative. Truthfully I am not. It's just been a difficult month on so many levels. I can still recite lots of good things in life (a great visit from my parents yesterday, Leah and her spunky toddler behavior, no more wallpaper in the nursery, a husband who is getting excited about the next adoption, great friends). We are so blessed even in this time of sadness and frustration. Thank goodness. (Otherwise I would be better friends with my wine bottle)!

Dear March 2011 - You Suck! Love, Megan

Yes, you read it right...March 2011 sucks. Most of you are thinking...well....they must not have been chosen to parent that baby. Yes....we weren't chosen. No one was chosen. The state took custody of the baby. I'm not even going to get into how that makes me feel. But do know that my heart is heavy with sadness for that little baby.

Moving on.....we have had 3 deaths in one day: an unborn child, a old co-worker of Mike's who was 78 and died in a horrible car accident and Mike's uncle who left this world too early with too much sadness. Seriously. So yes, March sucks.

My brother and sister-in-law welcomed a daughter into this world. I am happy for them. Our relationship is struggling and my heart is also very sad for that. I'm not sure where to turn next on that road.

There you have it. Sadness overflowing in this house. We will carry on as this shall too pass. I can tell you though that I gave Leah a few more hugs today (which is crazy because I hug her ALL THE TIME!!).

Progress and Set Back in One Week

We haven't heard one iota regarding the baby born last week. No decision has been made so we continue to stand in the land of "limbo". After an entire week of waiting I am much more calm and able to go about my day without it occupying my mind quite as much. That being said, I frequently check the status page just in case a decision has been made, as I want to be able to move on if we aren't chosen.

We have gotten a tremendous amount of things accomplished this week, and for that I am grateful this situation has presented itself. We never would have started on the nursery or finished up those other projects so quickly. The wallpaper is in the process of being ripped down, most of the things are out of the old office/new nursery, the playroom ceiling is painted (the windows, baseboards, and ceiling were yucky brown) and all the baseboards have been ripped out of the nursery and playroom. Landscapers are coming today to fix the flower beds (many are sloped towards the house from too mulch) and lay rock. I am sooo excited for that to be done! As you can see, it has been full steam ahead.

The set back was something I didn't see coming and I never will. On Wednesday I was at my small group for a church program we are doing for Lent. One of the other members had recently had a baby and was discussing her difficult pregnancy which included kidney stones. She didn't mention anything else so I was really surprised when she said, " I would adopt before I ever got pregnant again." She had no idea I was an adoptive parent, though she did know I had a 16 month old. At first I wanted to respond by saying, " Well let me know if you are serious, as I am an adoptive parent and could give you lots of info." But I didn't say anything. Later I thought about it a little more and that's when I really began to struggle with what she had said. I am struggling through this adoption process, just as I did the first time. This process frustrates me beyond anything else going on in my life. Emotionally this is hard, it is hard waiting. Physically, I have lost a few pounds this week (and trust me....I would love to lose a few pounds most weeks but it rarely happens). No...my body isn't morphing as it does in pregnancy...and no...pregnancy is very difficult (and most days I am glad I can't have my own children...ask my best friend as she can vouch for this). BUT....please don't make the judgment that adoption is the easier way to become being a parent. She never has walked in my shoes as I have never walked in hers. I did not judge her pregnancy, nor would I compare her kidney stones to my endless frustration with our social worker. I'm not sure why people think this process is easier. Maybe they think there really is stork who fly's over our house and just plops the baby down in the empty crib. No people...it doesn't work like.

Finally

After a "longer than we wanted" wait, we finally have our homestudy!! I was so excited but my excitement didn't spill over to Mike. He was happy but didn't see the urgency to get the agency applications in the mail that very second like I did. Unfortunately my excitement quickly turned into frustration BUT it's ok...because we are two different people with different expectations and feelings. He HATES the adoption process. Therefore I get stuck with most of the tedious tasks. He is all for adoption and in support of another child...but trying to motivate him to help is nearly impossible. Fortunately we have a strong marriage and figured out how to handle this better....without me getting frustrated and stressed. So...after all of that, 3 agency applications were sent out in the mail on Thursday and arrived Friday! What a happy day for this family. One step closer to our next family member.
Then....with all of that excitement...I came across a situation for a baby who is already born. One of my secret obsessions is searching the internet for adoption situations. Yes, I admit that I spend way too much time doing that. I'm ok with it. I explained to Mike the situation and yesterday we sent in all of our paperwork. I think we might me completely delusional at this point. Getting a baby now goes against every ounce of "planning" we did. Now, planning in adoption is more of a fairytale wish, but we all like to believe we have a tad bit of control. After we sent in all of the documents I began to panic internally. We have no nursery set -up, I have no idea where all of those newborn supports are for the carseat, I have none of Leah's gender neutral clothing pulled out of those clothes bins let alone washed, I couldn't even begin to tell you where the bottles are stored. REALLY?!? So we came up with a plan and it goes something like this: Turn office/craft room into a nursery. This requires the following: move all craft things to basement and organize this space, Move computer desk to spare bedroom and organize this space, take down wallpaper and refinish walls, paint everything in nursery (new baseboards, doors, window trim, ceiling and walls), get another crib and dresser, fill with baby things...which we either need to buy or find in our storage! Once again, REALLY?!? So...I've decided that if we end up with a baby this week we are in trouble. If this is not our baby, then maybe this was God's way of telling us to get started. Either way, I am ok with it.
Now that we are active I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for us, all of the expectant mothers who are struggling in their decision and for all those little ones who are finding their way home. This is a tough process and we as adoptive parents have the lightest load to carry. Sometimes I forget that...but truly it is the truth. Look for updates....maybe you'll get cute baby pictures or a torn apart room. I know everyone would like cute baby pictures better BUT either way you will get both nursery and baby pictures....someday.

Broken

Can I tell you again that 2011 has been so good to me. 2011..you are now almost 2 months old and I want to say keep it up...you are doing great and I am loving it. If you go back and read a few months back I spoke about not doing a "New Year's Resolution" but instead just doing it, whatever the "it" may be. And so far 2011 has let me accomplish so many "its". Love IT!

The one "it" that I didn't expect or see coming can be summed up with the bible passage:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours".

This passage has come up sooo many times in the past few months that I am slightly scared for the truth that lies behind it. I can feel my heart breaking for bigger things and part of me wants to RUN fast and far. I can feel my faith growing...which is good....but I know it is leading to me towards a path that is going to be hard. I know I will face doubt and questioning. But what can you do when your heart is breaking...for something bigger than you...something that makes His heart break. Could I be anymore elusive?! I would love to share more but I don't feel it is the time. I hope that in 2011 YOU read the above passage and ask that your heart breaks for what breaks His.

While me heart breaks, my everyday life is splendid. Leah is growing into an awesome TODDLER! How did that happen? She is saying 20 words including: fish, apple, eat, dog, Hi, Bye, Dada, Mama (occasionally!), Moo, cheese, please, poo poo (hmmm....who taught her to say such a thing!), yucky, Elmo's World, sippy, up, duck. I'm forgetting some right now, but it sure is fun. She learned to smile for the camera and has the cutest cheese face. I was starting to feel like a bad momma when she would run from me all the time but now she runs to me. I'm so glad that stage is over...my momma heart was so sad during that stage. There are so many days when I want to stay home from work and just be with her. BUT she loves to be with other kids...and she loves getting out of the house....and we both LOVE her babysitter. I know her daycare is a good thing for her....she truly is a little singing social butterfly. And yes...she signs ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe we will have a little musician on our hands?! She is using her spoon pretty well and can stab a few things with her fork. She loves to dance. She talks herself to sleep. She now chooses if she wants to cuddle or just get in her crib. She loves to brush her teeth. She loves to talk on the phone to Nana, Mimi, Poppy, and Papa. God is good. He has surely blessed this family and this home.

Homestudy

I never wrote about our homestudy which was completed on the 2/7. It was much different from the last one, which was solely due to our difference in attitude. I was sick (and actually sicker than I thought..hope I didn't pass it along to the social worker!) and really didn't care if everything was in it's place and put away. Mike felt the same....but I'm not sure why. The spare bed wasn't completely made....(Mike was sleeping in there since I was sick)...the office had a pile of papers that needed to be put away on the table....the bedroom needed dusting...etc, etc, etc. But alas, the homestudy went off without a hitch. When she was asking questions I would usually try to put a positive spin on everything...but I didn't this time. I told the complete truth....GASP....and I didn't care. I'm sure it will be fun reading the homestudy when we get it back in the mail. I'm sure she is having fun trying to type it up!
I am now slowly working on finishing up our profile. This is difficult for me since we have 10 billion pictures and I love every single one of them. Hopefully our consultant will be able to say....not that picture...its terrible! We are also starting to gather up our paperwork to apply to the agencies so that we are ready once the homestudy is complete.
At the end of the day sometimes I question that we are starting again. Are we ready? Should we enjoy Leah more before we add another child? Can we handle the craziness of two? I think about the morning routine which Leah and I have, how will I handle two kids in the morning without Mike around and still get myself out the door in time for work. As it is, sometimes I struggle. I'm sure we will figure it out....with a few stumbles along the way. I need to keep reminding myself that I dont have to do everything perfectly....I just need to do it the best way I can. Deep down I know adding another is right...I just question how it will all work. I think a little longer break between 2 and 3 kids will be warranted though. Give us more time to get back on our feet! :-)

Retreat

I had the wonderful experience of attending the Created for Care adoption mommas retreat this past weekend. I would love to write a long post about the weekend but I am feeling under the weather. I was supposed to travel all day for work but instead am making phone calls from the comfort of my bed. The retreat has renewed me in more ways than one. Hearing others stories has placed a soft place on my heart for those whose hearts are broken and whose lifes are in jeapoardy. We are knee deep in this second adoption and I already know my heart will be open to a third and fourth adoption. I know this feeling that lies deep within will not go away. I know this burden on my heart is meant to be there. Mike knows how I feel.....but of course is not quite on the same page. Thats ok....we will work on that! I believe God will soften his heart as well.
Tonight is our homestudy visit...so I better go clean up my comfy sick bed (and maybe finish working!).

The Message

The past month I have been plagued with feelings of doubt, frustration, and annoyance over the slow workings of our social worker. The whole story is that I believe she only works part time and she is busy with many adoptive families, all in different stages and games. This part I know, but at times I still feel she should be able to respond to emails and complete tasks she said she would quicker than the 5 -30 day turn around which she is currently producing. At the same moments of annoyance, I hear a small little voice in my head saying " listen and remember". We have gone through all of this before, the slow workings of a social worker.....the long drawn out process....and look where we ended up. With a perfect child for our family. I can't imagine life with the little boy who we thought would be ours for 8 months. God plays a much bigger role in this process then I or the social worker. I know this but for some reason I am still learning and I still need to listen and remember.

I started reading a book (Soul Print by Mark Batterson), which is basically screaming the message to me that there is a plan created by God. A plan I can't control and one that will be more bountiful than I could have ever planned or taken credit for. Here's a quote from pg. 69:
"The goal is not accomplishing the dream God has given you. The dream is a secondary issue. The primary issue is who you become in the process. We fixate on what and when and where. God's primary concern is always who. And He wont get you where He wants you to go until you become who He wants you to be."

Wow! Maybe I should wake up and smell the roses. As I continue on my everyday life, which includes reading adoption blogs, another blogger quoted Psalm 139:
"all of the days ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be.”

Ok....so I get it. I hear it. Now I need to truly embrace it. I truly feel that Mike and I do a fairly good job at being patient during the waiting process. As I am learning though, I need to do a better job at the preparing to wait process....ie. the paperwork and homestudy process. Deep down I know this is not my plan, this is not my story to tell. I know God will provide us with another wonderful perfect child for our family when He sees fit. Apparently I need to stop being silly and be who He wants me to be. So...OK...I get it. Hopefully my friends and family will hold me accountable now that I have this in writing!

Blogging for Books!!

I must say that Blogging for Books keeps me reading more....which I love. I love reading...but NEVER made time for it, well until now! We are in the midst of saving every penny to pay for our second adoption. We were very fortunate that we didn't need to take out a loan for our first adoption and we hope to do the same. Saving money is quiet boring....but reading is free and is helping to pass the time. I am also in the middle of redoing our dining room which has also kept me very busy without spending money. Ugh....taking wallpaper down....removing glue from wall....all work...but free. So after my arm feels as if it were to fall off with another scrub, I then stop to read.

I just got done reading Divine Appointments by Charlene Ann Baumbich. It was fair..middle of the road....something to pass the time. I would classify this as an easy read which left you wondering how the plot would continue but didn't necessarily make me stop putting the book down at night. The main characters have slightly extreme personalities but it is easy to think of someone in your own life with the same quirks. The story revolves around Josie and this snow globe...which is slightly mystical. I'm not really into mystical and didn't really like that portion of the book though it had a lot to do with the overall "lesson" of the book. It was not overtly religious despite the title...and actually only one main character was faith based. The book also delved into layoffs and unemployment which many people can relate to in this economy. Overall I would rate this book as a 3.5/5. "I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review".

So there you have if folks! While I wait for my next book I will keep reading the pile that is sitting on my nightstand...which currently holds 6 books, 2 started and 4 ready to be cracked!

Settled

Loving the New Year...despite that it is only 7 days old! Typically I set some sort of resolutions which in the end only leave me feeling disillusioned when I come no where near reaching them. Therefore this year I set a new mindset for myself. I've decided this will be the year to make it happen. Make what happen you ask...you know...."IT". Hmmmm....have I lost you now? "IT" can be what you deem it to be, but the motto is the point. The point is to make the "IT" in your life happen. How many times do we say we wish we had more time to complete all those projects, be a better person, keep a cleaner house, volunteer more, be a better friend, lose the extra layer of warmth which makes our clothes a little snugger than we like, send out all the birthday cards on time, call a loved one......and the list goes on. Well...this is the year I want to make it happen. I have no set goals and I refuse to make them. I am just going to get busy and make IT happen. I like this new attitude. There are so many things in life which demand our precious time and I dont want to add more things to that list. SO...I will get busy....make some things happen...while learning to balance the must....needs...and wants...in a more healthy matter. So far I have more time to get on the treadmill (which should be a need..but often turns into a want with a little one and full time job) and read ( which is truly prompted more by the idea of getting free books to review!). I tackle house projects with more vigor and am being slightly more successful with keeping the house picked up...not that it truly ever is that messy. On the other hand....I have been turning the TV off and limiting my time on the Internet....despite all the blogs I love to read (which have helped to inspire this new attitude). How many times do I say I am blessed, my family is blessed? We are....and I need to appreciate this more...and will this Year. This Year is the year I will make "IT" happen. I hope you all will make "IT" happen as well!! Good luck and have fun!

It was fun 2010

We had a wonderful Christmas week and I am now sad to say goodbye to 2010. It was the busiest most life changing year I've had..and that is saying a lot. Here's a recap of our year through the months.

January - Mike moved across the state while Leah and I braved the snow alone in at home..trying to sell the house.

February - We get an offer on the house...and then Leah and I truck it across the state to help dad look for a new house....in even more snow!! We find our new home after a few weeks. :-)

March - We move....closer to family...and in a bigger house we can grow into (with more kids!)

April - All is quiet...mom and Leah spend the days unpacking the house. Leah learns to sit on her own.

June - Mom finally goes back to work part-time and Leah gets used to daycare 3 days a week. We visit with Leahs birthfamily.

July - Leahs first trip to the beach. Leah finally learns to crawl!

August - Mom starts her new job full-time at the local university.

September - Quiet month....it blows by with mom working fulltime and teaching a new course.

October -Leah turns one and we have a BIG ladybug PARTY! Leahs birthmom and sister come to stay for the party.

November - We finalize Leahs adoption in court.

December - Our first Christmas in our new home...and our first Christmas waking up in our own home since we were married...and our second Christmas with Leah! We send in the paperwork for our second adoption!

Its been a great year. I'm not sure 2011 can top this one....but you never know. We were very blessed this year and continue to be. We have been surrounded by loved ones every step of our journey. Here are a few pictures of those special Christmas moments.

Goodbye 2010....you've been good.