Week One - Check

Today completes the first week of my new job. Overall - I'm satisfied. Of course there has been ups and downs but overall I am ending on a positive note. I have overcome my first two classes as an instructor vs my previous role of student. I feel that I can now fine tune some of my basic skills and I know that I will get better and one day I believe I will truly enjoy teaching. There is something ironic about teaching my first college level course to graduate students though. My expectations need to rise much higher with this class since they actually complete the assigned readings! This is of course a good problem but now requires a little reorganization by me. Trial and error will be the game I play this semester. Hopefully by next semester I will have some sort of process!

One little disappointing fact about my new job is that I don't get FMLA until I am there a year. Doing the math means I am not eligible until next August 23rd. We wanted to start the process again in January but now I think we will need to post pone that until March or April. Technically I am off from the end of June until the end of August so we could welcome a baby during that time and then I would get FMLA starting in last August. But.....as everyone knows we have no control about when our next little angel will come home. Therefore postponing the next adoption seems inevitable. The more I think about it the more at peace I am with this little disruption. I KNOW that there is another little angel meant to be ours, I know I have no control over when or who this little one will be, and I know that God will provide. So for now, we all will continue to enjoy and delight in Leahs' abounding love and growth! She is our constant reminder that all will come together and that He will provide.

So what is Leah up to?? She is in the process of destroying my house through exploration and I LOVE it! I love that fact that I have toys to pick up every night and that she is now taunting me when I tell her stay out of the cat food. I love the fact that she tries to hide behind the shear curtains at the patio doors and at some level thinks I can't see her. I love how she gets the biggest smile on her face when I pick her up at the babysitter. I love how the babysitter and her family LOVE her. I love how all of my family can't wait to hold her, play with her and all of them are overflowing with love for her. I love how she is cutting her 4th tooth ( her second top tooth) and you would have no idea. I love how she now likes to cuddle at night before bed and how she likes to point at pictures in her First Words book. Yes...I am painting a perfect picture of her....and that's because she is perfect. You can ask the babysitter and anyone of my family members and they will all agree. So all I have to say is....Thank You God for answering all of my hearts desires and blessing me with this child.

The Tie That Binds Us

Mike is heading out of town this weekend so it is a long weekend of just the kiddo and I. I have been gearing up for my new job which starts on monday. Today I sat down with the person who did the job before me. She is an adoptive mother also. We had so much work to do but our conversation of course led us to adoption. She gets it. She gets it without explanation. She gets it without question and without a blink of an eye. It was a really nice conversation. I'm looking forward to my next chat with her, on adoption, not work! The other cool thing about my new job is that there is another faculty member joining our team who is in the process of adopting 3 from foster care. Wow! Can we just say I was meant to work here!! Another one who gets it! I think I must have a fall cook out one evening. A place where we can talk and vent and just understand. Sounds so welcoming....I better find some invites! I can honestly say I have no idea how it feels to be pregnant or what the journey is like giving birth to your own child. Most say they have no idea what it's like to adopt. It's so nice finding those who know the adoption journey. It's so nice having a conversation where everyone else understands. I'm really looking forward to getting to know these individuals and maybe starting up an informal group. As you know Mike and I are starting to think about number 2. We had a plan but maybe after meeting these individuals its may be different than what we thought. Time will tell!

Infertility

I speak of infertility more on this blog than I do in real life. Actually....most days I do not consider my self infertile which of course is complete nonsense but for some reason I put myself in another category. Not really sure what that category is....I just know I feel like I don't belong in the "infertile" category. Maybe because we never "tried" and we never had to experience all the ups and downs of not becoming pregnant. I guess I feel like we started to play the game and immediately got a "Do Not Pass Go and Go Straight to Jail" card. At the time I didn't fully realize that was the best card in the deck. I was fairly OK with the card...but I did have a few wishful thoughts that never actualized. So why I am talking about infertility then?? I am shamed to admit it was spurred by watching the TV show "Pregnant and .... ". ( Side note...I really need to give up TV....I have done this several times in my life and have been perfectly content...how do I get my husband to realize the same endeavor?) On this show they highlight different women who are pregnant and drug addicted....in jail....have some crazy medical disorder....etc. At this point I should know not to watch. But I did. And after 45 mins of the show I had enough. I turned it off and immediately felt crappy. My crappy attitude lasted a whole 2 minutes. Because then I realized my infertility brought me the cutest, smiling, happy little girl you could ever want. So you know what life....go ahead...hand me the " Do Not Pass Go and Go Straight To Jail" card again. Bring it on....I am ready!!

Race

Yesterday Mike and I went to a local amusement park. I have never been there before and Mike hasn't gone in 15 years. After about an hour we realized that as Caucasian individuals we were in the minority. The predominat race was African American but there was also several other non-white races including Chinese, Mexican, and many biracial individuals. At first I was excited about this discovery. My immediate family unit is diverse and will continue to grow in this manner. We feel that it is important to expose Leah and our future children to diverse populations. I was dreaming of season passes in the future, dreaming of a place where my "children" would feel comfortable, at home, feel a place where they belong in every way. By the time we walked out of the park we were both disappointed and frustrated. As I write this I am still processing the day's events and am in no ways sure how this experience completely effected me.

What were the days events? Well...nothing huge....nothing concrete. I guess you could say more indiscreet minor occurrences which possibly reflected the morals of one group of the population or possibly just a few individuals who disregard the general population as a whole. I will describe in my words how I felt but of course have no idea if this is how the other party wanted me to feel or if the racial environment spurred with the fact that despite my outward appearance ( a white couple) I have a diverse family unit effected these feelings.
At no point did I feel uneasy, awkward or a sense of concern when we realized that we were the minority. We celebrate diversity and look for diverse opportunities for our child (and future children). We were respectful to others, as we always are in any circumstance. Were they respectful to us? No. One 3 different occasions individuals butted in front of us in line. We also witnessed this happening to other people on several occasions. At first response I believed this was related to a complete disregard of the general population by those individuals. After the second time though I felt a little disgruntled about the situation. The line wasn't long, we were the last ones in line, and they walked around us like we were invisible. When we spoke up they began to give us lip but then just mumbled under their breath and I believe some of the comments were racially driven. Something to the effect of it would be ok if we did it to them. ARGH! Really?!? I know that the race issue it still alive...I know that there are many individuals who do judge based on the color of ones skins...I know that suppression still occurs. On some levels I am saddened to think that this probably occurs to the offending individuals more often than it will ever occur to me....but am conflicted by the feelings of a victim. How do you rise above this....how do you teach your children about the complexities of race in our nation....how do you teach your children to overcome when it appears that others are retaliating versus overcoming? How do you respond when you have a 5 year old in tow who knows its not fair but can't begin to understand the underlying issues really going on?

On a second note, would this experience fared better or worse if I was there with my biracial daughter? If we adopt another child of a minority race and we were there as a family of four...2 white , 2 non white....what would the response be? I can't answer that....but I am sure that someday we will get an answer. Life is cumulative and I'm sure we will have lots of experiences to draw upon by the time our children graduate from high school. I can only hope that we can teach ourselves and our children to overcome. I can only hope that my children will figure out how to deal with the racial issues in society and not become bitter. I can only hope they will continue to fight for equality and fight against suppression and regression.

On one more note....please take into account I am still processing my thoughts and feelings regarding this experience. I am in no ways, saying that we were singled out on the color of our skin. Possibly...yes....definitely....no. If you would like to comment , please do....but only a constructive or supportive comment.