Which Path To Take?

I have been in a funk this week. The failed match has caught up with me in a way I didnt think about. I feel like we are sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean with no sign of rescue. We are doing nothing. Just sitting and waiting. This was much easier before our match with L. I didn't have any expectations at that point. Now I have enormous expectations.....to be a mom. My friends are starting to think about and try for child #2. I feel like I am being left behind....just sitting on my boat as they row to some island of fertility. I have never questioned the circumstances of my inability to have children so much before. I think about that journey and I feel regretful. I shouldn't because I know that the best decisions where made for my health. If I didn't have my health we wouldn't be thinking about adding to our family. But....I still feel regretful. After being so close to bringing home a child I am lost. I don't know which direction to turn. I do know that I can't wait another year.

I have been scouring the internet for other adoption options and have come across a consulting agency which I would love to use. We have decided to wait until the New Year to further entertain the idea of changing directions. Fortunately our agency will allow us to pursue other options while waiting with them and even let us be put on hold if we find a match another way. We do not want to make a hasty decision hence the New Years time period. A few more months on our boat won't kill me. Even as I write this I feel better. The feelings of adoption can be raw at times....they can hurt to the bone...but they can also ignite love and joy in a roomful of beating hearts. We will make it through this journey full of love and joy...we just aren't there yet.

Finally!

Jason is home! Jason is home! Jason is home! For those who are unaware my beloved brother has spent the last year in Iraq with the US Army. I am so proud that he is defending our freedom....despite what my political views are. He is part of the Army Reserves and this is the second time in 7 years he has had to go overseas for an entire year. It is a HUGE sacrifice for him and his family. He has missed one year of his sons life...which is a lot for someone whom is now only 2 1/2 years old. I won't be able to see him for a few more weeks but I am so glad his feet are on US soil and he is with the comfort of his family. Welcome home bro...we sure missed you!

One Year

We have now hit one year of waiting. The number is kinda skewed though since we were matched for almost 8 months of that time. So technically one year of waiting has really only been 4 months of no action. I must admit that when we started our waiting period I never imagined the year would pan out like this. I'm not completely sure how I really feel about where we are today. Amazingly the best word I can use is contentment...which I'm sure is surprising to most of you. I'm ok with our failed match...as I still have faith that "our" child will find their way home. I know our profile is being shown again which gives me hope. In the year to come I am wishing for a shorter wait than last year..haha and I am hoping we get the joy of meeting our child. Here's to hope!!

A few weeks ago my best friends came out to visit with their sons who are both turning one this month!! The time went so fast! Here are a few pictures of me with them. I am hoping next year their will be a picture of me with my child and the two boys on their 2nd birthday! Aren't they the cutest guys ever!!

No Work for Me Today!!

About 6 months ago I changed my work status from fulltime to PRN or as needed. I now work for 8 companies who call me when they need extra hands when they have staff off or their census is high. I originally made the switch to allow me more flexibility and still make the same amount of money. I first worried I would not get enough work but I was so wrong. I have continued to work 35-45 hours a week which has been awesome. Yesterday the place I was scheduled had a lower census than expected and I unexpectedly got the day off!! I loved it!! I didn't do much of anything..cleaned a little bit....watched some lifetime movies (which were horrible)...did some crafting....went to soccer practice. Today and the rest of the week I only have to work about 5 hours a day....splendid! I am enjoying the break because I know in a few weeks I am looking at a 50+ work week since I double booked the whole week (on purpose).

The real purpose of this post. I had emailed L a few weeks ago asking her how I should get her U/S pics back to her. I sent her a really nice email...we understand...this is hard....no bad feelings...let us know if anything changes...that kind of email. She never responded which I thought was odd...was she ashamed...guilty...mad?? I don't know but she finally responded which made me feel better. She feels terrible about this...she still wishes to place....but the father is not cooperating and is not willing to go through with the adoption. She stated she was unhappy and doesn't know how it is going to work out....she is quiet upset. I do feel bad that she is now forced to parent...but not that bad...she is the one who got pregnant in the first place. She wants to keep in touch....we'll see. She wants to know when we get a baby. She has such good intentions...if she could only ditch the sack of potatoes she is carrying around! :-)
FYI: L still did not have the baby..I'm sure any day now. Maybe it will hit me then?

Have we told everyone yet?

After the initial shock that our match fell through we realized we had to tell EVERYONE. Since we were matched for 8 months...it was a little hard to keep the adoption a secret. Therefore EVERYONE knew. A few weeks later and still not everyone knows that the match is over. At least every other day I run into someone who does now know. I find myself avoiding people occasionally that don't know. It's not that I get upset..or that I am upset about the loss....I am just plain tired of telling the story and getting that "OMG....I'm so sorry" pity look. They all mean well but really I am fine. Then the conversation goes...." Are you really ok...or is this just a front you are putting up." Nope...really ok here. No one seems to believe that we are really ok. Through out this whole experience we have had realistic hope. We still do.

When everything fell apart I pondered what I was supposed to learn from this. I think I now realize. It wasn't about how to deal with loss....I got that down already....It wasn't about how to be a stronger person....once again....I got that down. I really think it was to make me realize how blessed and how awesome my life is. I did know that....but every since that fallout I have felt that even more. The stress of the our match was starting to consume me and I think that was very normal given the situation. Sometimes throughout adoption you want a child so badly because you think this child will make your life full and complete. In the end...I don't need this baby to make my life whole...it really already is. So now here we wait...for our child...feeling happy and blessed. I really have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. My life is full with them.

When we do get our child that will only be icing on the cake.