4 Days Left

I still am not loving March but do hope that in the last 4 days some redemptive qualities will emerge. But...I'm not banking on it. This week has been crazy like all the previous ones in March. Work has been crazy with an upcoming conference I am hosting at our college. The event is this saturday and I'm so ready for it to be over. I have enjoyed the challenge of organizing it but have decided that the conference and the adoption are a little too much stress. These two things together are leaving my pillow lonely. My fieldwork students are ending their first rotations and unfortunately I had to attend a site Friday to fail one. It was pretty sad but I feel every effort was put out by myself and the fieldwork educator. Once again I was reminded of the phrase, "What will be, will be." Hhmm.....maybe that should be tattooed on my hand so I can be reminded of this everyday.

And of course, the adoption process is going strong and kicking my butt at every turn. I believe the score is now 0 -4, with us losing. Can I tell you sarcastically how much I love PA adoption law? Well, for that matter, the fact that every state has different adoption law. It is nearly impossible to try and understand how each state works and what is and is not allowed. We are trying to wait to hire a lawyer until we know we need one....but I'm thinking we need one just to interpret whether or not we can even be shown for some situations. That was the battle this week.

I know I do seem quite negative. Truthfully I am not. It's just been a difficult month on so many levels. I can still recite lots of good things in life (a great visit from my parents yesterday, Leah and her spunky toddler behavior, no more wallpaper in the nursery, a husband who is getting excited about the next adoption, great friends). We are so blessed even in this time of sadness and frustration. Thank goodness. (Otherwise I would be better friends with my wine bottle)!

Dear March 2011 - You Suck! Love, Megan

Yes, you read it right...March 2011 sucks. Most of you are thinking...well....they must not have been chosen to parent that baby. Yes....we weren't chosen. No one was chosen. The state took custody of the baby. I'm not even going to get into how that makes me feel. But do know that my heart is heavy with sadness for that little baby.

Moving on.....we have had 3 deaths in one day: an unborn child, a old co-worker of Mike's who was 78 and died in a horrible car accident and Mike's uncle who left this world too early with too much sadness. Seriously. So yes, March sucks.

My brother and sister-in-law welcomed a daughter into this world. I am happy for them. Our relationship is struggling and my heart is also very sad for that. I'm not sure where to turn next on that road.

There you have it. Sadness overflowing in this house. We will carry on as this shall too pass. I can tell you though that I gave Leah a few more hugs today (which is crazy because I hug her ALL THE TIME!!).

Progress and Set Back in One Week

We haven't heard one iota regarding the baby born last week. No decision has been made so we continue to stand in the land of "limbo". After an entire week of waiting I am much more calm and able to go about my day without it occupying my mind quite as much. That being said, I frequently check the status page just in case a decision has been made, as I want to be able to move on if we aren't chosen.

We have gotten a tremendous amount of things accomplished this week, and for that I am grateful this situation has presented itself. We never would have started on the nursery or finished up those other projects so quickly. The wallpaper is in the process of being ripped down, most of the things are out of the old office/new nursery, the playroom ceiling is painted (the windows, baseboards, and ceiling were yucky brown) and all the baseboards have been ripped out of the nursery and playroom. Landscapers are coming today to fix the flower beds (many are sloped towards the house from too mulch) and lay rock. I am sooo excited for that to be done! As you can see, it has been full steam ahead.

The set back was something I didn't see coming and I never will. On Wednesday I was at my small group for a church program we are doing for Lent. One of the other members had recently had a baby and was discussing her difficult pregnancy which included kidney stones. She didn't mention anything else so I was really surprised when she said, " I would adopt before I ever got pregnant again." She had no idea I was an adoptive parent, though she did know I had a 16 month old. At first I wanted to respond by saying, " Well let me know if you are serious, as I am an adoptive parent and could give you lots of info." But I didn't say anything. Later I thought about it a little more and that's when I really began to struggle with what she had said. I am struggling through this adoption process, just as I did the first time. This process frustrates me beyond anything else going on in my life. Emotionally this is hard, it is hard waiting. Physically, I have lost a few pounds this week (and trust me....I would love to lose a few pounds most weeks but it rarely happens). No...my body isn't morphing as it does in pregnancy...and no...pregnancy is very difficult (and most days I am glad I can't have my own children...ask my best friend as she can vouch for this). BUT....please don't make the judgment that adoption is the easier way to become being a parent. She never has walked in my shoes as I have never walked in hers. I did not judge her pregnancy, nor would I compare her kidney stones to my endless frustration with our social worker. I'm not sure why people think this process is easier. Maybe they think there really is stork who fly's over our house and just plops the baby down in the empty crib. No people...it doesn't work like.

Finally

After a "longer than we wanted" wait, we finally have our homestudy!! I was so excited but my excitement didn't spill over to Mike. He was happy but didn't see the urgency to get the agency applications in the mail that very second like I did. Unfortunately my excitement quickly turned into frustration BUT it's ok...because we are two different people with different expectations and feelings. He HATES the adoption process. Therefore I get stuck with most of the tedious tasks. He is all for adoption and in support of another child...but trying to motivate him to help is nearly impossible. Fortunately we have a strong marriage and figured out how to handle this better....without me getting frustrated and stressed. So...after all of that, 3 agency applications were sent out in the mail on Thursday and arrived Friday! What a happy day for this family. One step closer to our next family member.
Then....with all of that excitement...I came across a situation for a baby who is already born. One of my secret obsessions is searching the internet for adoption situations. Yes, I admit that I spend way too much time doing that. I'm ok with it. I explained to Mike the situation and yesterday we sent in all of our paperwork. I think we might me completely delusional at this point. Getting a baby now goes against every ounce of "planning" we did. Now, planning in adoption is more of a fairytale wish, but we all like to believe we have a tad bit of control. After we sent in all of the documents I began to panic internally. We have no nursery set -up, I have no idea where all of those newborn supports are for the carseat, I have none of Leah's gender neutral clothing pulled out of those clothes bins let alone washed, I couldn't even begin to tell you where the bottles are stored. REALLY?!? So we came up with a plan and it goes something like this: Turn office/craft room into a nursery. This requires the following: move all craft things to basement and organize this space, Move computer desk to spare bedroom and organize this space, take down wallpaper and refinish walls, paint everything in nursery (new baseboards, doors, window trim, ceiling and walls), get another crib and dresser, fill with baby things...which we either need to buy or find in our storage! Once again, REALLY?!? So...I've decided that if we end up with a baby this week we are in trouble. If this is not our baby, then maybe this was God's way of telling us to get started. Either way, I am ok with it.
Now that we are active I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for us, all of the expectant mothers who are struggling in their decision and for all those little ones who are finding their way home. This is a tough process and we as adoptive parents have the lightest load to carry. Sometimes I forget that...but truly it is the truth. Look for updates....maybe you'll get cute baby pictures or a torn apart room. I know everyone would like cute baby pictures better BUT either way you will get both nursery and baby pictures....someday.

Broken

Can I tell you again that 2011 has been so good to me. 2011..you are now almost 2 months old and I want to say keep it up...you are doing great and I am loving it. If you go back and read a few months back I spoke about not doing a "New Year's Resolution" but instead just doing it, whatever the "it" may be. And so far 2011 has let me accomplish so many "its". Love IT!

The one "it" that I didn't expect or see coming can be summed up with the bible passage:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours".

This passage has come up sooo many times in the past few months that I am slightly scared for the truth that lies behind it. I can feel my heart breaking for bigger things and part of me wants to RUN fast and far. I can feel my faith growing...which is good....but I know it is leading to me towards a path that is going to be hard. I know I will face doubt and questioning. But what can you do when your heart is breaking...for something bigger than you...something that makes His heart break. Could I be anymore elusive?! I would love to share more but I don't feel it is the time. I hope that in 2011 YOU read the above passage and ask that your heart breaks for what breaks His.

While me heart breaks, my everyday life is splendid. Leah is growing into an awesome TODDLER! How did that happen? She is saying 20 words including: fish, apple, eat, dog, Hi, Bye, Dada, Mama (occasionally!), Moo, cheese, please, poo poo (hmmm....who taught her to say such a thing!), yucky, Elmo's World, sippy, up, duck. I'm forgetting some right now, but it sure is fun. She learned to smile for the camera and has the cutest cheese face. I was starting to feel like a bad momma when she would run from me all the time but now she runs to me. I'm so glad that stage is over...my momma heart was so sad during that stage. There are so many days when I want to stay home from work and just be with her. BUT she loves to be with other kids...and she loves getting out of the house....and we both LOVE her babysitter. I know her daycare is a good thing for her....she truly is a little singing social butterfly. And yes...she signs ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe we will have a little musician on our hands?! She is using her spoon pretty well and can stab a few things with her fork. She loves to dance. She talks herself to sleep. She now chooses if she wants to cuddle or just get in her crib. She loves to brush her teeth. She loves to talk on the phone to Nana, Mimi, Poppy, and Papa. God is good. He has surely blessed this family and this home.

Homestudy

I never wrote about our homestudy which was completed on the 2/7. It was much different from the last one, which was solely due to our difference in attitude. I was sick (and actually sicker than I thought..hope I didn't pass it along to the social worker!) and really didn't care if everything was in it's place and put away. Mike felt the same....but I'm not sure why. The spare bed wasn't completely made....(Mike was sleeping in there since I was sick)...the office had a pile of papers that needed to be put away on the table....the bedroom needed dusting...etc, etc, etc. But alas, the homestudy went off without a hitch. When she was asking questions I would usually try to put a positive spin on everything...but I didn't this time. I told the complete truth....GASP....and I didn't care. I'm sure it will be fun reading the homestudy when we get it back in the mail. I'm sure she is having fun trying to type it up!
I am now slowly working on finishing up our profile. This is difficult for me since we have 10 billion pictures and I love every single one of them. Hopefully our consultant will be able to say....not that picture...its terrible! We are also starting to gather up our paperwork to apply to the agencies so that we are ready once the homestudy is complete.
At the end of the day sometimes I question that we are starting again. Are we ready? Should we enjoy Leah more before we add another child? Can we handle the craziness of two? I think about the morning routine which Leah and I have, how will I handle two kids in the morning without Mike around and still get myself out the door in time for work. As it is, sometimes I struggle. I'm sure we will figure it out....with a few stumbles along the way. I need to keep reminding myself that I dont have to do everything perfectly....I just need to do it the best way I can. Deep down I know adding another is right...I just question how it will all work. I think a little longer break between 2 and 3 kids will be warranted though. Give us more time to get back on our feet! :-)

Retreat

I had the wonderful experience of attending the Created for Care adoption mommas retreat this past weekend. I would love to write a long post about the weekend but I am feeling under the weather. I was supposed to travel all day for work but instead am making phone calls from the comfort of my bed. The retreat has renewed me in more ways than one. Hearing others stories has placed a soft place on my heart for those whose hearts are broken and whose lifes are in jeapoardy. We are knee deep in this second adoption and I already know my heart will be open to a third and fourth adoption. I know this feeling that lies deep within will not go away. I know this burden on my heart is meant to be there. Mike knows how I feel.....but of course is not quite on the same page. Thats ok....we will work on that! I believe God will soften his heart as well.
Tonight is our homestudy visit...so I better go clean up my comfy sick bed (and maybe finish working!).